It's week 8 of the sem. If life had a remote control, i'd hit Replay/Reset so i could relive this sem in a different way. Much has been going on, but nothing has been happening. It's week 8 now and assignments and midterms are catching up to me.
I was pretty lifeless for 2 months. I know people noticed. And I know it affected some pretty badly. But I didn't care. I waited and waited for someone to come along and just say:"Buck up Jian." But no one did. Everyone was just concerned if CG was going well or not, whether the CGLs had been 'talked to' already or not.. Whether I had planned everything out for backup or not.. As if all they needed/wanted from me was for me to deliver. Rather than investing in me as a person, as a friend, as a senior. Just cause I'd been through more than you doesn't mean I've all the answers. Or rather, just because I've the answers I can't be expected to believe in what I say 24/7. I'm human, I've my doubts my moments of weaknesses.
But I don't blame you... Hardly anyone knows the real me here anyway. Hence my expectations might've been too far fetched. Closing off doors expecting people to break through them probably isn't the way to go HAHAHHAAHAH... Sound like girl nie XD... Was glad Alvin came down for most of the week. Didn't confess my issue to him; but I actually went to classes.. I actually went out..
But regardless; it's time to hit ignition again. Gotta help myself. Hence I'm letting it out here. God won't you take control again.
Isaiah 40:31
...but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar
on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk
and not be faint.
A verse which kept ringing in my mind all this while... time to soar.
Signing off,
Jian.
P.S. If I may seem blunt, these feelings have been pent up for 2 months.. So I apologize. Hold it against me if u must, but do forgive me my transgressions. =)
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Keep walking...
Something i've to remind myself everyday... else i'd stop. and time would stop moving.. again. I don't want that. Supper today was interesting... mainly because Alvin was around.. and Zijian picking went to a whole new level... tu lah throw in MT lagi... Funny giler... say something kena.. quiet kena.. walk away kena.. emodai hahahahahaha..
They said I can tahan cuz i too patient d... that whatever comes I'd just bow n laugh/shrug it off... The truth is that i just have other things in my mind.. things that i'd never opened up to people. well I tried, but they seemed to be more preoccupied by their problems; and i'd always end up hearing them out instead.. So i stopped looking for shoulders of comfort long ago. and well, mainly because the only shoulder i had is also why i need a shoulder nowadays.
I'll admit tho, most of the time I cari pasal by letting my mind go berserk. But the trauma I went through isn't that easy to let go. I could've if I wanted to I suppose... but its just me being a childish idiot i suppose.
I've said I need to move on. I've said I'll keep my distance. But in my stubborn little ways I'd continue to call/message her. My mind wanders to her.. wanting her attention. bodo.
Then there's this whole other matter of the wrong signal thingy... Alvin n Hannah having the time of their lives bugging me bout it... =.=... I've let go people!! But it's a normal thing to feel attraction ma.. hence face red lor... sorry lorrr.... maklumlah she's a really attractive person, not to mention the amount of time spent around her. But sometimes I wonder why she still hangs around so often. why she omits his name whenever she hangs out with him.. but maybe that's just me thinking too much.
Gotta focus back on God. n Assgs... I look forward to Running Man 2.0... didn't join nor organize the 1st one... will be fun this time around =D
finally rant habis. nite peeps!!
They said I can tahan cuz i too patient d... that whatever comes I'd just bow n laugh/shrug it off... The truth is that i just have other things in my mind.. things that i'd never opened up to people. well I tried, but they seemed to be more preoccupied by their problems; and i'd always end up hearing them out instead.. So i stopped looking for shoulders of comfort long ago. and well, mainly because the only shoulder i had is also why i need a shoulder nowadays.
I'll admit tho, most of the time I cari pasal by letting my mind go berserk. But the trauma I went through isn't that easy to let go. I could've if I wanted to I suppose... but its just me being a childish idiot i suppose.
I've said I need to move on. I've said I'll keep my distance. But in my stubborn little ways I'd continue to call/message her. My mind wanders to her.. wanting her attention. bodo.
Then there's this whole other matter of the wrong signal thingy... Alvin n Hannah having the time of their lives bugging me bout it... =.=... I've let go people!! But it's a normal thing to feel attraction ma.. hence face red lor... sorry lorrr.... maklumlah she's a really attractive person, not to mention the amount of time spent around her. But sometimes I wonder why she still hangs around so often. why she omits his name whenever she hangs out with him.. but maybe that's just me thinking too much.
Gotta focus back on God. n Assgs... I look forward to Running Man 2.0... didn't join nor organize the 1st one... will be fun this time around =D
finally rant habis. nite peeps!!
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Random...
I hate myself for the past. For every wrong that i'd done. For every compromise I took. For every failure that happened. I hate myself.
Gotta wash out this self pity. I'm letting this go. A child of God has no time to wallow in such things. Time to look forward. Attend to the needs of others. Settle my degree. Begin to work out God's calling for me in life. I guess Alvin's slowly finding his way there.. and that's after 7 months of agonizing waiting on God and seeking Him. He's diff now than he was back in Alpha. From a guy that disliked 'all u cf ppl'... he came to call CF his home, to the extent that he 'loved' its people. and now God's preparing him for greater things. I feel so left behind... Burdened by things which should've not been mine. Fighting battles which I didn't need to fight in the first place. Everyday is such a drag. Scott asked me why don't I go to class even though i was awake? I didn't have the heart to tell him this was the answer.
OK!! I'm done!!! Time to wipe these thoughts away n go tido... Btw here're d events lined up and coming...
Tmr 9-5... Happiness Project
Thurs... CG Games woots!!!
Fri... WOT Marathon all night
Sat... MELAKA CAMPPPPPP
Monday: Holidaysssssssssssssss!!!!! XD XD XD
Gotta wash out this self pity. I'm letting this go. A child of God has no time to wallow in such things. Time to look forward. Attend to the needs of others. Settle my degree. Begin to work out God's calling for me in life. I guess Alvin's slowly finding his way there.. and that's after 7 months of agonizing waiting on God and seeking Him. He's diff now than he was back in Alpha. From a guy that disliked 'all u cf ppl'... he came to call CF his home, to the extent that he 'loved' its people. and now God's preparing him for greater things. I feel so left behind... Burdened by things which should've not been mine. Fighting battles which I didn't need to fight in the first place. Everyday is such a drag. Scott asked me why don't I go to class even though i was awake? I didn't have the heart to tell him this was the answer.
OK!! I'm done!!! Time to wipe these thoughts away n go tido... Btw here're d events lined up and coming...
Tmr 9-5... Happiness Project
Thurs... CG Games woots!!!
Fri... WOT Marathon all night
Sat... MELAKA CAMPPPPPP
Monday: Holidaysssssssssssssss!!!!! XD XD XD
Thursday, July 25, 2013
I'm.So.Excited.
Just found out today that industrial training is only another semester away... Can't wait!!! D=
Even though you're already in posting... and you might probably graduate earlier than me... But i suppose no one else would be happier for me than you. You don't know how much i wanna share this with you... But at least this little piece of joy will be recorded down here... =D
Gotta start planning during the sem break... Should I go back to penang and get a company there? Or should I go to Singapore? My uncle mentioned the possibility of interning for Razer. Who wouldn't want that??? Might even get to nick off some products for free muahahaha... XD
CG will be in awhile... This year things are different... Being coordinator, I can see many things i didn't as a CG leader... Or rather, I'm forced to look further than ever before... Thank God for Chris for his concerns... for Hannah which I inherited this privilege.. and to Esmond for helping me figure out the next step in this ministry... =)
Dealing with people is no easy task... trying to please both sides, when both are involved in God's ministry... It's like trying to bathe 2 dogs at once... So I pray for Your wisdom and guidance in the things I do or say regarding this matter.. or for any other matter.
Need to sleep b4 Bible study later. nites XD
Even though you're already in posting... and you might probably graduate earlier than me... But i suppose no one else would be happier for me than you. You don't know how much i wanna share this with you... But at least this little piece of joy will be recorded down here... =D
Gotta start planning during the sem break... Should I go back to penang and get a company there? Or should I go to Singapore? My uncle mentioned the possibility of interning for Razer. Who wouldn't want that??? Might even get to nick off some products for free muahahaha... XD
CG will be in awhile... This year things are different... Being coordinator, I can see many things i didn't as a CG leader... Or rather, I'm forced to look further than ever before... Thank God for Chris for his concerns... for Hannah which I inherited this privilege.. and to Esmond for helping me figure out the next step in this ministry... =)
Dealing with people is no easy task... trying to please both sides, when both are involved in God's ministry... It's like trying to bathe 2 dogs at once... So I pray for Your wisdom and guidance in the things I do or say regarding this matter.. or for any other matter.
Need to sleep b4 Bible study later. nites XD
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Good Morning. LOL...
Lol. so epic... slpt at 4am, wake up b4 my alarm rang. achievement sia... Anyway, hari ini ku rasa bahagia. or at least I want to haha. Got some stuff planned for CG... *hint* Bacon n Cheese ngahahahaha..
Lately I'd been bit by the loneliness bug again. Maybe because She's said goodbye for good, maybe because a friend could just pass me by without even looking me in the eye, maybe because the hope i had for a healthy relationship with another is gone now that i know she's interested in another, maybe because alvin is so far away HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... not to mention hui lee also giler faar. that james lagiiiii fffffaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrr..... think he's in Auckland right now. can't wait to finally visit him someday.
For as long as i can rmbr, i'd been awkward at making friends.. for most of primary school I only had one close friend. and we'd read harry potter together under the desk during classes. and exchange letters til we were high school mates. But nowadays she busy kerja d lah... It wasn't til I went to church and Penang that I knew how to socialize. But even then, most of my high school life was spent alone at home. F5 nie start going out for supper.. F5 nie had people calling home to look for me. Hahaaa... Sorry la i really wallflower wan XD
But it was during these years (F4) that I came to know a friend.. a friend so close she knows everything about me. Even the way I think. Hahahaha. A friend who came to be my confidant. someone I could tell and relate everything to.. and I knew her the same way too.. come to think of it, it's been 8 years now... but she's gone... gone from my life(no she's not dead)... choi. haha... I miss that friend. Got nobody to crap to hahahaha.. or rather, got nobody's crap to listen to.. I wonder how's her posting going on. How's her family. How's her gougou n hamsters. Don't know why. If she'd meant this much to me why'd I let her go in this way. why'd i hurt her so. I only pray God bless her life. Please don't let her grieve anymore...
On the other hand, banyak reminders to rise up as a man once again. Sulk enough d hahaha. Kena discipline and walk right in His ways. Got so many things coming up... Dunno can handle anot D=
But I will... For my parent's sake, for the people I know...
P.S. Esmond so yeng!! Engaged d sia.. so epic... XD
P.PS There's only one person who can Drift with me. XD
Lately I'd been bit by the loneliness bug again. Maybe because She's said goodbye for good, maybe because a friend could just pass me by without even looking me in the eye, maybe because the hope i had for a healthy relationship with another is gone now that i know she's interested in another, maybe because alvin is so far away HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... not to mention hui lee also giler faar. that james lagiiiii fffffaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrr..... think he's in Auckland right now. can't wait to finally visit him someday.
For as long as i can rmbr, i'd been awkward at making friends.. for most of primary school I only had one close friend. and we'd read harry potter together under the desk during classes. and exchange letters til we were high school mates. But nowadays she busy kerja d lah... It wasn't til I went to church and Penang that I knew how to socialize. But even then, most of my high school life was spent alone at home. F5 nie start going out for supper.. F5 nie had people calling home to look for me. Hahaaa... Sorry la i really wallflower wan XD
But it was during these years (F4) that I came to know a friend.. a friend so close she knows everything about me. Even the way I think. Hahahaha. A friend who came to be my confidant. someone I could tell and relate everything to.. and I knew her the same way too.. come to think of it, it's been 8 years now... but she's gone... gone from my life(no she's not dead)... choi. haha... I miss that friend. Got nobody to crap to hahahaha.. or rather, got nobody's crap to listen to.. I wonder how's her posting going on. How's her family. How's her gougou n hamsters. Don't know why. If she'd meant this much to me why'd I let her go in this way. why'd i hurt her so. I only pray God bless her life. Please don't let her grieve anymore...
On the other hand, banyak reminders to rise up as a man once again. Sulk enough d hahaha. Kena discipline and walk right in His ways. Got so many things coming up... Dunno can handle anot D=
But I will... For my parent's sake, for the people I know...
P.S. Esmond so yeng!! Engaged d sia.. so epic... XD
P.PS There's only one person who can Drift with me. XD
Friday, July 12, 2013
Restless...
Once again, i'm here to pen down my thoughts.. before i go insane.. haha.
Been thinking too much lately. It's been more than a year. Watching her leave on May 22nd I'd vowed not to step into her life again; I thought with the pain and misery I'd cause her... She'd be better off without me in it. IF ever we'd cross paths again, we'd just be friends...
I know now that's impossible... When you know someone that well, when that person becomes what you call a soulmate, regardless how far you've been apart, or how long. Some invisible thread binds you together. i'd realize i've been using someone else as a distraction. (the fact that i was so easily able to let her go proved that to myself)
So know what? You visit every night. So restless every night. or in the day, should i be alone. I need to study weii...... midterm tmr. scumbag brain think so much for what.
Thank God for James n Hui Lee. If not i'd be MIA again. GG my studies like that.
I wonder if she's happy now she's let go of me. i know i'm not. It's like some big hole just dropped out in your heart like that. again. (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻
I need to fill my heart with God. I like that song Hannah sang on tues. I'm restless without You Father. Let me continue to walk on in your will. Walk on...
Been thinking too much lately. It's been more than a year. Watching her leave on May 22nd I'd vowed not to step into her life again; I thought with the pain and misery I'd cause her... She'd be better off without me in it. IF ever we'd cross paths again, we'd just be friends...
I know now that's impossible... When you know someone that well, when that person becomes what you call a soulmate, regardless how far you've been apart, or how long. Some invisible thread binds you together. i'd realize i've been using someone else as a distraction. (the fact that i was so easily able to let her go proved that to myself)
So know what? You visit every night. So restless every night. or in the day, should i be alone. I need to study weii...... midterm tmr. scumbag brain think so much for what.
Thank God for James n Hui Lee. If not i'd be MIA again. GG my studies like that.
I wonder if she's happy now she's let go of me. i know i'm not. It's like some big hole just dropped out in your heart like that. again. (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻
I need to fill my heart with God. I like that song Hannah sang on tues. I'm restless without You Father. Let me continue to walk on in your will. Walk on...
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Trudging along.. but I must keep going.
Lord, only you know what troubles this heart. Only you know the exact amount of stitches needed to patch this heart back together. I'm down but not out. Keep my under your Wing Lord, let me soar with you above the storms of my heart. where all is calm... and there's no one else.. but You. You in all your beauty, in all your Majesty.. And as I worship you continue to build your throne in my heart. Until there is non but Jesus as the Lord of my life. Until then, I ask for continued renewal of your strength.
I said some bodo stuff today. Ended up in an awkward situation. Bodo brain. Hahahahaha. But I trust it in your hands God. If can please make her forget bout today =.=.. seriously stupid...D=
Sermon today was really good. Defending my faith. Not with any fancy techniques or psychology or philosophy or anything complicated like that... Just defend it with the Bible. YESH TEH BIBLE!!! (No its not a spelling err XD)
The Bible is a double edged sword. and it works regardless against the powers of the other realm, or even in this physical world of ours. Must brush up my bible knowledge.. As Capt Don puts it: Don't read the Bible; STUDY IT!!! So, study hard peeps1! =D
Besok ada field trip p Bank Negara Msia... Shall be an interesting one. Hopefully they let us take pics.
Then at night ada badminton lagi. WOOTS!!!
I suppose that shall be all for the night.. Gnite peeps XD
I said some bodo stuff today. Ended up in an awkward situation. Bodo brain. Hahahahaha. But I trust it in your hands God. If can please make her forget bout today =.=.. seriously stupid...D=
Sermon today was really good. Defending my faith. Not with any fancy techniques or psychology or philosophy or anything complicated like that... Just defend it with the Bible. YESH TEH BIBLE!!! (No its not a spelling err XD)
The Bible is a double edged sword. and it works regardless against the powers of the other realm, or even in this physical world of ours. Must brush up my bible knowledge.. As Capt Don puts it: Don't read the Bible; STUDY IT!!! So, study hard peeps1! =D
Besok ada field trip p Bank Negara Msia... Shall be an interesting one. Hopefully they let us take pics.
Then at night ada badminton lagi. WOOTS!!!
I suppose that shall be all for the night.. Gnite peeps XD
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Bleh
Today I folded. After 2 weeks into the deal. GAH. Gotta buck up. Cannot allow this to continue anymore.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
A moment's respite...
Got an evening to myself... feels lonely you might think, but i suppose sometimes space and quiet is all you need to recharge..
Been doing a lot of reflecting lately... My life's been messed up for long enough... "I don't wanna live like this anymore" I thought to myself. All those msges and calls that can never see the light of day... I hated it. I hate living a double life. I wanna live for God. I wanna wait on Him. Serve His purpose.. and maybe someday find someone to be my partner in that mission.
Classes have been good. I wake up in the mornings now... XD...
Just pray that I'll pass that supp.. o.O
It's an interesting sem... can't wait for the trip up KL for Bank Negara next week.. not to mention that questionnaire we'll have to send to one of d schools around the area.. nice to actually do some assg that affects/involves the community around us..
Got the greenlight from Ps Les to contact him and arrange for CG missions. Let's see how things go =D
Finally realizing I'm not alone. That I've a place to go to when I need to... Special thanks to some special people frm the batch... regardless in uni or high school, i can proudly say i've found some golden friends... lol so weird right? sorry for the poor choice of words.. but they are as gold to me. =D
Josh has a show in KL this weekend... am contemplating about going... but tinggal kat mana?
might wanna tarik few peeps along. HMMM...
Been doing a lot of reflecting lately... My life's been messed up for long enough... "I don't wanna live like this anymore" I thought to myself. All those msges and calls that can never see the light of day... I hated it. I hate living a double life. I wanna live for God. I wanna wait on Him. Serve His purpose.. and maybe someday find someone to be my partner in that mission.
Classes have been good. I wake up in the mornings now... XD...
Just pray that I'll pass that supp.. o.O
It's an interesting sem... can't wait for the trip up KL for Bank Negara next week.. not to mention that questionnaire we'll have to send to one of d schools around the area.. nice to actually do some assg that affects/involves the community around us..
Got the greenlight from Ps Les to contact him and arrange for CG missions. Let's see how things go =D
Finally realizing I'm not alone. That I've a place to go to when I need to... Special thanks to some special people frm the batch... regardless in uni or high school, i can proudly say i've found some golden friends... lol so weird right? sorry for the poor choice of words.. but they are as gold to me. =D
Josh has a show in KL this weekend... am contemplating about going... but tinggal kat mana?
might wanna tarik few peeps along. HMMM...
Friday, May 17, 2013
Comm Planning
And so ended 2nd Comm planning... 2 heavy days of brainstorming, reflecting, visionizing (crap what's happening to my english) well just sharing some thougths about what i went through.
D reflection part was hard for me. I knew exactly what was holding me back from my serving. And I knew exactly what I need for me to be able to serve freely once again. But not once was I able to share out the whole truth... Talk about emotional roller coaster.. except this goes down forever and ever.. but then again, I hate roller coasters.. so up and down also tak suka HAHAHAHAHHAA...
Weekly meetings were discussed and brainstormed... As d afternoon went by I got slowly more excited as we came up with the names for our activities and sermons, regardless of that sorethroat (wan dai)
After 12 hours of duking it out in FES (minus 2 hours for lunch n dinner ha) we finally managed to settle our weekly meetings...
Balik chill awhile den tido. Supposed wake up around 8.30 (which I did) to call Abel they all for bfast... Killed my alarm and went straight back tido. Late for 2nd day. Emo dai. Damn pikchik with myself.
Blehh.........
Glad CG division went on without a hitch... Will type out everything in detail when I get back home (must put reminder)
Then came the major projects.. and the headache (literally).. As we come to our decisions and 'indecisions' in some cases... I just hope and pray for His guidance and providence.
That being said, there's a real need to fix my life. Lols... Fix this broken soul and mind and body Lord.. In your time and will. must discipline myself to read bible when i get home XD
Oh yea almost forgot. Washing feet during comm planning... Had to wash Abel mia... LOLs... Reminded me of the times in high school where we washed each others' feet. It was a humbling experience. This time it's a humbling reminder of Whose I am Whom I serve...
Praise be to the Lord in Heaven.
D reflection part was hard for me. I knew exactly what was holding me back from my serving. And I knew exactly what I need for me to be able to serve freely once again. But not once was I able to share out the whole truth... Talk about emotional roller coaster.. except this goes down forever and ever.. but then again, I hate roller coasters.. so up and down also tak suka HAHAHAHAHHAA...
Weekly meetings were discussed and brainstormed... As d afternoon went by I got slowly more excited as we came up with the names for our activities and sermons, regardless of that sorethroat (wan dai)
After 12 hours of duking it out in FES (minus 2 hours for lunch n dinner ha) we finally managed to settle our weekly meetings...
Balik chill awhile den tido. Supposed wake up around 8.30 (which I did) to call Abel they all for bfast... Killed my alarm and went straight back tido. Late for 2nd day. Emo dai. Damn pikchik with myself.
Blehh.........
Glad CG division went on without a hitch... Will type out everything in detail when I get back home (must put reminder)
Then came the major projects.. and the headache (literally).. As we come to our decisions and 'indecisions' in some cases... I just hope and pray for His guidance and providence.
That being said, there's a real need to fix my life. Lols... Fix this broken soul and mind and body Lord.. In your time and will. must discipline myself to read bible when i get home XD
Oh yea almost forgot. Washing feet during comm planning... Had to wash Abel mia... LOLs... Reminded me of the times in high school where we washed each others' feet. It was a humbling experience. This time it's a humbling reminder of Whose I am Whom I serve...
Praise be to the Lord in Heaven.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Blehhh...
Facing emotional turmoils every minute you've time to think for yourself every single day is NOT. FUN. Seriously man... i need help. zzZ... Can't even think straight... It's not like me to have suicidal thoughts... Haahahaha... At least I could put a rest to this sick mind soon enough... But meh. Too mainstream hahahahaha.. The battle shall continue..
Monday, May 6, 2013
6th May
Gloomiest Monday ever. Rained frm penang til KL til Seremban... It's like the sky is grieving for Malaysia too.. XD
Anyhow with elections over its time for Finals. That is, if i can sort my thoughts out...
Random thought: Malaysia has A LOT of flyovers... =.=...
Another random thought: I REALLY REALLY NEED someone to talk to. someone who'd understand me... Ps suggested a few. But i don't really know any of them. Once again.. so lonely...
Ps said i hang out too much with emo ppl... thats y i so emo. LOL... This response came after she asked who i hang out with most of d time.. I replied Scott.. Sam.. Edwin.. Jerome.. She laughed =.=...
Okay that's about it. Lepas Finals: WOT Marathon!!!
Anyhow with elections over its time for Finals. That is, if i can sort my thoughts out...
Random thought: Malaysia has A LOT of flyovers... =.=...
Another random thought: I REALLY REALLY NEED someone to talk to. someone who'd understand me... Ps suggested a few. But i don't really know any of them. Once again.. so lonely...
Ps said i hang out too much with emo ppl... thats y i so emo. LOL... This response came after she asked who i hang out with most of d time.. I replied Scott.. Sam.. Edwin.. Jerome.. She laughed =.=...
Okay that's about it. Lepas Finals: WOT Marathon!!!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Thoughts...
Once again, i welcome you to take a walk in the park (or maybe its a maze/jungle, visualize as you like) of my mind... Nothing and several things have been happening of late... and it's tickled my mind enough to start mulling over them.
First of course is the upcoming elections in another 3 days. Damn its only 3 days away?! Honestly if you ask me for thoughts on the matter I do not really have an opinion. Its blatantly obvious some of the 'tricks' our current Gov is trying to pull throws human stupidity to a whole new level... But whoever stays in power after May the 5th, may God see fit to entrust that authority and leadership. That being said, I believe not in the party, but the person who is serving. Hence, should the local representative be from BN or PKR whatsoever, if he/she has proven their service for the people then I would cast my vote in favor of him/her. But seriously BN... just chill with the stuffs le.. damn imba u know.. why voting need to be so complicated. Why buat so much kacau? If you wanna win then be a GOOD government lah... whats up with all d corruption n stuffs? stress.. hahahaha..
2nd, thankful for this sem (my STUDIES, mind you)... Everything's over, now just the Finals to focus on. Thank God I din go MIA. Almost did tho. Stress.
3rd... apparently somethings have been going on around me of which i've no knowledge about. I don't know what's giving you that increasingly nasty attitude. But whatever it is, I can only hope it doesn't affect our friendship that much. Honestly its driving me up the wall.
4th... Learned a lesson in discretion today. Must learn to keep my mouth shut. Here's an advice tho: Should you ever compromise and terlanjur, please be honest; it keeps the damage to a minimum. But best is just shut up k? XD
5th... I miss joy. God given Joy like nothing else can bring... I miss that joy... =)
I shall turn in soon. Kena tarik by abel to do his IC tmr morning along with scott as well. Oh well.. Bros outing hahahahahahaha...
PS. I actually want to be that one annoying friend that everyone hates and loves at the same time. XD
First of course is the upcoming elections in another 3 days. Damn its only 3 days away?! Honestly if you ask me for thoughts on the matter I do not really have an opinion. Its blatantly obvious some of the 'tricks' our current Gov is trying to pull throws human stupidity to a whole new level... But whoever stays in power after May the 5th, may God see fit to entrust that authority and leadership. That being said, I believe not in the party, but the person who is serving. Hence, should the local representative be from BN or PKR whatsoever, if he/she has proven their service for the people then I would cast my vote in favor of him/her. But seriously BN... just chill with the stuffs le.. damn imba u know.. why voting need to be so complicated. Why buat so much kacau? If you wanna win then be a GOOD government lah... whats up with all d corruption n stuffs? stress.. hahahaha..
2nd, thankful for this sem (my STUDIES, mind you)... Everything's over, now just the Finals to focus on. Thank God I din go MIA. Almost did tho. Stress.
3rd... apparently somethings have been going on around me of which i've no knowledge about. I don't know what's giving you that increasingly nasty attitude. But whatever it is, I can only hope it doesn't affect our friendship that much. Honestly its driving me up the wall.
4th... Learned a lesson in discretion today. Must learn to keep my mouth shut. Here's an advice tho: Should you ever compromise and terlanjur, please be honest; it keeps the damage to a minimum. But best is just shut up k? XD
5th... I miss joy. God given Joy like nothing else can bring... I miss that joy... =)
I shall turn in soon. Kena tarik by abel to do his IC tmr morning along with scott as well. Oh well.. Bros outing hahahahahahaha...
PS. I actually want to be that one annoying friend that everyone hates and loves at the same time. XD
Monday, April 29, 2013
Bangun la mangkuk
Be still my heart, and know that He is God. Not just any God, your God. Just wake up already...
Deterioration.
Forming a new mask for myself wherever I go. Asshole mask. Hahahahahaha. Dunno for what. Protect myself? Reflect what I'm really like inside? So people stay away? I don't care. Video project due Tuesday. Imma die.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Random thoughts...
Exhausted... Futsal without dinner was definitely not a good idea...
Was thinking about why people chase or long after happiness.. Indeed for some, sadness and pain becomes a steady companion even til death. And for some, regrets.
I've come to a point where I find it almost impossible to live in the victory of Christ. Where if I'm saved one more time, my God is the world's most unjust and unfair God. Haha stress.
2 days up in Camerons was bliss. Being with my peers once again... having the same though wavelengths.. Even though we don't talk often, I know i can lean on them somehow. My mind went elsewhere tho during that time. but i digress..
I'm hungry... and broke. Shall hunt for food... Hope besok boleh bangun for lunch with le CGLs =D
Was thinking about why people chase or long after happiness.. Indeed for some, sadness and pain becomes a steady companion even til death. And for some, regrets.
I've come to a point where I find it almost impossible to live in the victory of Christ. Where if I'm saved one more time, my God is the world's most unjust and unfair God. Haha stress.
2 days up in Camerons was bliss. Being with my peers once again... having the same though wavelengths.. Even though we don't talk often, I know i can lean on them somehow. My mind went elsewhere tho during that time. but i digress..
I'm hungry... and broke. Shall hunt for food... Hope besok boleh bangun for lunch with le CGLs =D
Friday, April 26, 2013
Thursday...
Today was a good day, regardless of the voices inside my head. Woke up at 6.30 today. Just as planned. HAHAHA...
Managed to settle assignment, final class of the sem, Final CG which was some awesum fun!!! We had Wok n Pan dinner, some arcade games... (can't believe i actually tried that kangkang dancing thingy) Daytona was epic.. and we LOST to the girls in Basketball!!! Can u believe this??? o.O Siao liao...
To end it we went makan Baskin Robbins at Dataran field there.. too bad it melted... spent too much time at arcade LOL...
Best CG i've ever had in awhile. we had to rush back cuz I almost forgot Sa's curfew >.<... Made it in time tho...XD
That's about it for now... I suppose some joy is needed once in awhile eh? XD
PS. Good day haven't end yet. XD
Managed to settle assignment, final class of the sem, Final CG which was some awesum fun!!! We had Wok n Pan dinner, some arcade games... (can't believe i actually tried that kangkang dancing thingy) Daytona was epic.. and we LOST to the girls in Basketball!!! Can u believe this??? o.O Siao liao...
To end it we went makan Baskin Robbins at Dataran field there.. too bad it melted... spent too much time at arcade LOL...
Best CG i've ever had in awhile. we had to rush back cuz I almost forgot Sa's curfew >.<... Made it in time tho...XD
That's about it for now... I suppose some joy is needed once in awhile eh? XD
PS. Good day haven't end yet. XD
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
Aftermath..
Just back from an awesome trip with awesome people up cameron's... Jerome let me drive downhill.. Woots! XD
Besok labtest. not prepared..
Gonna sleep and study early tomorrow.
Thoughts for the day... It's getting very lonely here. So so lonely... Just so lonely.
On a side note... Apparently I'm a useless piece of crap which will always be a useless piece of crap.. Good to know! =D
Goodnight everyone. =)
Besok labtest. not prepared..
Gonna sleep and study early tomorrow.
Thoughts for the day... It's getting very lonely here. So so lonely... Just so lonely.
On a side note... Apparently I'm a useless piece of crap which will always be a useless piece of crap.. Good to know! =D
Goodnight everyone. =)
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
A random story... just because i felt like it.. XD
. . . as the bus rumbled by, I glanced at my watch, wondering when Bus No. 5 will come by. It's been a gloomy afternoon, as the clouds ran by over my head, as if racing to see who'd get to the end of the rainbow first. Rain seemed imminent since morning; yet not a droplet of it was in sight. A cruel joke on housewives having clothes to dry isn't it?
Today is my son's birthday... He's 5 this year, and I'm very excited to see his reaction when he sees the gift I'd bought him. It was a full set of a Lego Pirate Ship. I really hope he'll like it. It took me a whole afternoon of walking around the Toys R' Us in the local mall looking for the right set. It's been awhile since I saw my son. You see he stays a little away from me. That's why I have to take a bus to get to his house.
As I was mulling over my own thoughts the bus pulled up.
"Ticket to Pearl Street please," I said to the conductor.
"2 dollars," came a brisk, no nonsense reply. I paid my fare, and sat down on a seat at the third row. As the driver drove off, my thoughts began to wonder again..
About 20 minutes passed, and the bus dropped me at Pearl Street. My son should be staying at the end of the street... It was already 6pm, close to dinner... 'Maybe we can have take out tonight?' Again my thoughts wandered as I admired the neighbourhood while walking up to my son's house. Some kids were cycling around, while a dog chased a cat around not too far away. I took a deep breath, and walked up the lawn, and rang the doorbell to my son's home.
As the door opened, I shouted: "Happy 5th Birthday Michael! Look what daddy got ya?"
"Dad, I'm 35 already.. Did you sneak out of the old folk's home again?" Michael replied. I beamed and just nodded.
"Aw dad you do this every year; but I know you'll never forget my birthday. I love you dad," Michael said as he hugged me right across the back. A tear rolled down my cheek as I hear a young boy's voice at the back of the house: "Daddy daddy is Grandpa here to celebrate your birthday again?!"
-The End-
Today is my son's birthday... He's 5 this year, and I'm very excited to see his reaction when he sees the gift I'd bought him. It was a full set of a Lego Pirate Ship. I really hope he'll like it. It took me a whole afternoon of walking around the Toys R' Us in the local mall looking for the right set. It's been awhile since I saw my son. You see he stays a little away from me. That's why I have to take a bus to get to his house.
As I was mulling over my own thoughts the bus pulled up.
"Ticket to Pearl Street please," I said to the conductor.
"2 dollars," came a brisk, no nonsense reply. I paid my fare, and sat down on a seat at the third row. As the driver drove off, my thoughts began to wonder again..
About 20 minutes passed, and the bus dropped me at Pearl Street. My son should be staying at the end of the street... It was already 6pm, close to dinner... 'Maybe we can have take out tonight?' Again my thoughts wandered as I admired the neighbourhood while walking up to my son's house. Some kids were cycling around, while a dog chased a cat around not too far away. I took a deep breath, and walked up the lawn, and rang the doorbell to my son's home.
As the door opened, I shouted: "Happy 5th Birthday Michael! Look what daddy got ya?"
"Dad, I'm 35 already.. Did you sneak out of the old folk's home again?" Michael replied. I beamed and just nodded.
"Aw dad you do this every year; but I know you'll never forget my birthday. I love you dad," Michael said as he hugged me right across the back. A tear rolled down my cheek as I hear a young boy's voice at the back of the house: "Daddy daddy is Grandpa here to celebrate your birthday again?!"
-The End-
It's been awhile...
As the title says, yea... haven't been blogging for awhile. Mostly cuz my main inspiration is kinda gone nowadays.. heh.. Things are going so slow its glacial... or maybe i've grown so apathetic that I don't seem to care anymore... but i want to.. at least i think i want to. Just wondering when will i snap out of this.
Midterm on Thurs. Hope my CG can jadi lah... To be honest i really dunno what else i can do.. just so few people every week. We shall see when everyone comes back =)
Been binging on World of Tanks for d past few days... keeps my mind off things.. although i kinda feel bad for hogging Scott's com.. Can't wait for a pc i can call my own. XD
Well that's about it for now. Shall continue my I.T. Crowd. XD
PS. It was good to see her again.
Midterm on Thurs. Hope my CG can jadi lah... To be honest i really dunno what else i can do.. just so few people every week. We shall see when everyone comes back =)
Been binging on World of Tanks for d past few days... keeps my mind off things.. although i kinda feel bad for hogging Scott's com.. Can't wait for a pc i can call my own. XD
Well that's about it for now. Shall continue my I.T. Crowd. XD
PS. It was good to see her again.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Blerghhhh
Rethinking my life again... Just how many times must I go through this phase man.. so tedious... XD
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Rain...
It's been 2 weeks since I'm back.. more than a month since i last saw her.. come to think of it.. I really do miss her. Heh..
My thoughts hitherto are even more scrambled than Einstein's messy hair. I'd given up sorting them out. Numbs the pain at least. Just take everything step by step as they come. For now I need to focus on CF tmr, combination CGs this week, and serving on Sat..
I wish not to divulge my thoughts to anyone... there was a time I wished someone'd care enough to want to know me. There were, but I guess I'm not a very pleasant book to read. Somewhere halfway you'd find a torn off page.. misleading bookmarks everywhere.. heck the cover just looks nice while the plot is borderline non-existent. But I won't stop penning them down here i suppose.. It helps to know where my mind's been.. so that I can pull myself back, should I wander too far off course..
I've been irritable, withdrawn and just plain annoyed everytime I speak to some people... But lets hope that comes to past. For now i just wanna rest. So tired... even so, tomorrow is a new day to fight.
And now for a lil SS moment... XD
My thoughts hitherto are even more scrambled than Einstein's messy hair. I'd given up sorting them out. Numbs the pain at least. Just take everything step by step as they come. For now I need to focus on CF tmr, combination CGs this week, and serving on Sat..
I wish not to divulge my thoughts to anyone... there was a time I wished someone'd care enough to want to know me. There were, but I guess I'm not a very pleasant book to read. Somewhere halfway you'd find a torn off page.. misleading bookmarks everywhere.. heck the cover just looks nice while the plot is borderline non-existent. But I won't stop penning them down here i suppose.. It helps to know where my mind's been.. so that I can pull myself back, should I wander too far off course..
I've been irritable, withdrawn and just plain annoyed everytime I speak to some people... But lets hope that comes to past. For now i just wanna rest. So tired... even so, tomorrow is a new day to fight.
And now for a lil SS moment... XD
 | ||
| SS Moment: my design for the Easter Flyers |
Sunday, March 17, 2013
I wanna explode hahaha..
My heart is constantly in pieces, in a tug of war. When did it become like this, I wonder..?
When will i stop lying to myself? When will i set this heart free?
I wonder...
When will i stop lying to myself? When will i set this heart free?
I wonder...
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
=)
Many things happened today.. class.. lunch.. tea.. the ride.. CF.. supper..
Somehow I feel I can finally take that step forward again.
Somehow I feel I can finally take that step forward again.
Jehovah Rapha...
It means the LORD my Healer... indeed I wonder how long will these emotional wounds I've suffered/caused will take to heal... IF they would ever heal... But I trust in You Lord... Heal us Lord... Heal us all...
Peace be with you.. =)
Peace be with you.. =)
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Idiot
I'm such a big one. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot... Just what is wrong with me???
Lord, I hand this to you... I don't want to whine, nor wallow in guilt. Cleanse me of my sin. I REALLY want to be rid of it forever. Help me to listen to the inward man. the spirit man. the real man in me. I beg of you flesh. stop this destruction already...
Lord, I hand this to you... I don't want to whine, nor wallow in guilt. Cleanse me of my sin. I REALLY want to be rid of it forever. Help me to listen to the inward man. the spirit man. the real man in me. I beg of you flesh. stop this destruction already...
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
A slightly different post..
I've not posted something like this before. Gonna go all geek on this one. so bear with me XD
Been frustrated lately... at my phone!! Which isn't really normal for me hahaha... but you gotta get fed up one point or another... when it takes 5 seconds to even start Whatsapp/Facebook or even the Bible on your phone... dah lah tu *i really gotta find the English equivalent to that phrase*... it restarts whenever the screen turns off while WiFi is switched on, effectively annoying the hair out of me on more than countless occasions. Yes I'm abusing the hyperbole. I don't care.. XD
Been looking at other phones... Google+LG's Nexus 4 just came out. and its selling on Digi's site for ONLY RM 499!!! With internet plan and everything. So. Friggin. Tempting. The specs are really good. It's had nothing but good reviews. Gah. But since I'm the 'yim chim' (perfectionist/OCD) type when it comes to my own gadgets... I looked around more... Galaxy S2 seems so mainstream nowadays.. everyone's using it, while not even knowing what it's capable of... The S3 lagi jia lat... the phone's smarter than 60% of the people using it. =.=...
Ah, but I digress. Hitherto I've my sights set on a new phone. But it's not out yet. And it's bound to be EXPENSIVE. But I really do want it. IF ever the opportunity presents itself... else I'll probably need to wait til I grad to afford it on my own. But here's a comparison between that phone and the one I currently own.
Le X8... *What I'm currently using*
Weight
- 104 grams
- literally made of plastic
meanwhile...
Presenting: The Xperia Z
Yes, it IS waterproof.
Weight
- 146 grams
Been frustrated lately... at my phone!! Which isn't really normal for me hahaha... but you gotta get fed up one point or another... when it takes 5 seconds to even start Whatsapp/Facebook or even the Bible on your phone... dah lah tu *i really gotta find the English equivalent to that phrase*... it restarts whenever the screen turns off while WiFi is switched on, effectively annoying the hair out of me on more than countless occasions. Yes I'm abusing the hyperbole. I don't care.. XD
Been looking at other phones... Google+LG's Nexus 4 just came out. and its selling on Digi's site for ONLY RM 499!!! With internet plan and everything. So. Friggin. Tempting. The specs are really good. It's had nothing but good reviews. Gah. But since I'm the 'yim chim' (perfectionist/OCD) type when it comes to my own gadgets... I looked around more... Galaxy S2 seems so mainstream nowadays.. everyone's using it, while not even knowing what it's capable of... The S3 lagi jia lat... the phone's smarter than 60% of the people using it. =.=...
Ah, but I digress. Hitherto I've my sights set on a new phone. But it's not out yet. And it's bound to be EXPENSIVE. But I really do want it. IF ever the opportunity presents itself... else I'll probably need to wait til I grad to afford it on my own. But here's a comparison between that phone and the one I currently own.
Le X8... *What I'm currently using*
Weight
- 104 grams
Dimensions
- 99 x 54 x 15 mm
- 99 x 54 x 15 mm
Battery
- Talk time: Up to 11 hours
- Talk time: Up to 11 hours
Display
- 3.0 inches TFT
- 16 million colors, 320 x 480 pixels
- 3.0 inches TFT
- 16 million colors, 320 x 480 pixels
OS & Processor
- Google Android 3.6.6.7 (Custom Gingerbread: GingerDX build 21)
- 600 MHz ARM 11
- Google Android 3.6.6.7 (Custom Gingerbread: GingerDX build 21)
- 600 MHz ARM 11
Camera
- 3.15 MP, 2048x1536 pixels, no flash, no focus
- no secondary camera
Durability - 3.15 MP, 2048x1536 pixels, no flash, no focus
- no secondary camera
- literally made of plastic
meanwhile...
Presenting: The Xperia Z
Yes, it IS waterproof.
Weight
- 146 grams
Dimensions
- 139 x 71 x 7.9 mm
Battery
- 139 x 71 x 7.9 mm
Battery
- Talk time: Up to 11 hours
Display
Display
- 5.0 inches TFT
- 16 million colours, 1920 x 1080 pixels
OS & Processor - 16 million colours, 1920 x 1080 pixels
- Google Android 4.1 (Jelly Bean)
- 1.5 GHz Qualcomm APQ8064+MDM9215M Quad Core
Camera- 1.5 GHz Qualcomm APQ8064+MDM9215M Quad Core
- 13 megapixel Exmor RS camera with Auto focus and flash
- 2 MP, Exmor R, front facing camera (1080p)
Durability - 2 MP, Exmor R, front facing camera (1080p)
- IPX5/7 (Water-resistant) & IP5X (Dust-proof)
I don't think you'll understand just by reading the specs... but numbers don't lie.. If you've used the X8 before you'll know my frustrations. And that's with a modded phone... can daii... the screen is only 3.0 inches. I have to squint to look at facebook and whatsapp messages... But with this, hoho.. I can take HD videos, play them at 1080p.. even my LAPTOP can't support that kind of video.. it LAGS at 730p videos. Crazy. Basically to sum it up, this phone pawns even my laptop. and it's water proof. It can roundhouse kick my laptop 3 times around the earth and still have enough juice to play my favourite PS games.
I don't think you'll understand just by reading the specs... but numbers don't lie.. If you've used the X8 before you'll know my frustrations. And that's with a modded phone... can daii... the screen is only 3.0 inches. I have to squint to look at facebook and whatsapp messages... But with this, hoho.. I can take HD videos, play them at 1080p.. even my LAPTOP can't support that kind of video.. it LAGS at 730p videos. Crazy. Basically to sum it up, this phone pawns even my laptop. and it's water proof. It can roundhouse kick my laptop 3 times around the earth and still have enough juice to play my favourite PS games.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Long post..*if i recall everything i wanna type*
this post has been delayed since Jan 29th. why that date? it was a special day for us... at least for me. or maybe you could call it extra special. It's been a year since then... I'd planned a month ahead, brainstorming places to go, food to eat, to hang out.. I google mapped how to get to Ferringghi just so that we don't get lost and waste time (we got lost anyway). I even timed myself so i could tell her what time i'll be reaching, and have the time to get roses for her that morning itself. There was no occasion, no motivation, nothing else was on my mind but making her the happiest woman on earth...
Stopped at her house. "Here, these are for you." She blushed so red the apple can go letak jawatan...
I lagi lah kekok. Nak act cool but my words after that came out all stuck and stuttered.
But off we went to Penang Island... it was a day of joy... we giler camwhore.. tak tahan. but it was fun.. I miss giving her face massage.. hahahahaha.. i'll not forget.. at least not for a long time.. about this relationship. Someone'll have to get me concussed, cut out a piece of my brain, and laser it.. maybe then i'd forget.. hahahaha.. tis a beautiful memory. One full of love.
Been so long since we talked. I'd sincerely forgot to reply her message to me during baptism. I was happy though. really happy. I long for us to return to a friendship equilibrium. On hindsight.. i abused our friendship and relationship with one another. I did not take care of her as a sister like i should. And i regret that. But should we ever cross paths again.. I'll treasure that new relationship.. one of company and friendship. to protect her as a sister.. to be a proper friend. But maybe not yet. maybe one day.. when we've all graduated.. with our own partners in life.. definitely.. =)
Been awhile since I'd blogged.
Well, it's exam week hahaha.. I've 4 papers. 1 ad kena bar... 2 already went by. I thank God for His grace. I could study and prepare, and not walk blindly into the exam hall. I promised myself not to do that ever again... and i won't. I hate that feeling. that pathetic feeling of helplessness. I HATE IT. that feeling of being a failure. I HATE IT. that feeling of being WEAK. I HATE IT.
On a happier note, due to losing focus towards the last few weeks of sem (we all know why)... my coursework really jia lat. my understanding of the subject matter lagi jia lat. 13 chapters and i only understood 4... but striving not to fail... i remembered something i used to have. the drive to win. the power to understand everything. that i could do anything. I remembered how it felt when everything came to me like it was natural. because i wanted it. I'd grown complacent. Must fight. must win.
If i can maintain this mode throughout my remaining sems.. I'll be able to finish my race here well...
Learning how to starve my eyes. The fight is going well. Now the prob is my mind. Still need to direct all that nonsense somewhere else. Sports. Studies. CG. Family. Friends. Future wife. God. Gotta win this war.
Am beginning to appreciate the beauty of friendship with the opposite gender. Sure you'll kena tembak forever... but I find joy in their company.. when u have a proper mix of guys n girls. and you know how to go about it healthily *i.e. conversational topics and the way you act* its really awesome. The only way i know how to describe it is: Just like high school times. Really glad I got out of the gobsmackedsmittenicanttalklikeasanehumanbeingwhenevershesaround phase... =D
Tired of hearing talks about peoples behaviours... Sure the way they behave irks me at certain point of times. Grumble and shrug it off lah.. Must talk about them every time meh. Sometimes we focus on the dirt so much we forget someone's beauty. we forget we ourselves were made of dust (dirt). Well except women lah but that's besides the point. XD... basically that's all there is to it. Just love one another k? =)
Hannah said I forced myself to be interested in football so i can fit in. I admit it... I had no love for football.. in fact i hated it.. but in hindsight... I'm glad i did.. a whole new circle of friends opened up for me. I learned to get physical. I'm not afraid to charge ahead. It's like Aang learning Earth Bending. It was against his nature. But he had to learn it because he was the Avatar... I did it to get friends i guess.. or you could say to gain confidence. I used to be so cowardly. so scrawny. bump nie fly. but now i'm FAT! hahaha.. I still fly though. It did cost me tho.. Badminton only RM5... Futsal RM 10 leh!!
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." Jim Elliot
Taking a little literary freedom here. This quote meant giving up our lives for God's Kingdom rather than money for friends... but you get the gist. On a side note, read up Jim Elliot's story.. He was a missionary that reached out to the people in the jungles of Ecuador, among many other places. He was killed eventually, but his legacy lived on. Google it if you wanna find out =D
But yeah... I don't regret it lah.. Someone once said... Friendship is very intentional. I even prayed before initiating some friendships. LOL... weird kan? But i believe it's needed.. especially when you can sense great walls of china around certain people. I believe friendship comes from God.. Your friends are not accidents. Speaking of which, I met Ben: a fellow BM-ian. He's a musician (i.e. he plays gigs for a living).. and Indian, super hyper.. He was like.. "Go BM!" and fist bumping me... Guess it's kinda the reaction you get when you're in somewhere new and far and you find a fellow hometown friend. He felt called by God to melaka... indeed I wonder what God has prepared for him.. We exchanged numbers and he's all like, eh if u wanna jam call me k? hahaha.. We shall see man... we shall see.
Well, i suppose that's it for now... back to studying... CP2 I shall conquer you!!!
Ps. James is coming back. The Gang shall reunite! Woots!!!
Stopped at her house. "Here, these are for you." She blushed so red the apple can go letak jawatan...
I lagi lah kekok. Nak act cool but my words after that came out all stuck and stuttered.
But off we went to Penang Island... it was a day of joy... we giler camwhore.. tak tahan. but it was fun.. I miss giving her face massage.. hahahahaha.. i'll not forget.. at least not for a long time.. about this relationship. Someone'll have to get me concussed, cut out a piece of my brain, and laser it.. maybe then i'd forget.. hahahaha.. tis a beautiful memory. One full of love.
Been so long since we talked. I'd sincerely forgot to reply her message to me during baptism. I was happy though. really happy. I long for us to return to a friendship equilibrium. On hindsight.. i abused our friendship and relationship with one another. I did not take care of her as a sister like i should. And i regret that. But should we ever cross paths again.. I'll treasure that new relationship.. one of company and friendship. to protect her as a sister.. to be a proper friend. But maybe not yet. maybe one day.. when we've all graduated.. with our own partners in life.. definitely.. =)
Been awhile since I'd blogged.
Well, it's exam week hahaha.. I've 4 papers. 1 ad kena bar... 2 already went by. I thank God for His grace. I could study and prepare, and not walk blindly into the exam hall. I promised myself not to do that ever again... and i won't. I hate that feeling. that pathetic feeling of helplessness. I HATE IT. that feeling of being a failure. I HATE IT. that feeling of being WEAK. I HATE IT.
On a happier note, due to losing focus towards the last few weeks of sem (we all know why)... my coursework really jia lat. my understanding of the subject matter lagi jia lat. 13 chapters and i only understood 4... but striving not to fail... i remembered something i used to have. the drive to win. the power to understand everything. that i could do anything. I remembered how it felt when everything came to me like it was natural. because i wanted it. I'd grown complacent. Must fight. must win.
If i can maintain this mode throughout my remaining sems.. I'll be able to finish my race here well...
Learning how to starve my eyes. The fight is going well. Now the prob is my mind. Still need to direct all that nonsense somewhere else. Sports. Studies. CG. Family. Friends. Future wife. God. Gotta win this war.
Am beginning to appreciate the beauty of friendship with the opposite gender. Sure you'll kena tembak forever... but I find joy in their company.. when u have a proper mix of guys n girls. and you know how to go about it healthily *i.e. conversational topics and the way you act* its really awesome. The only way i know how to describe it is: Just like high school times. Really glad I got out of the gobsmackedsmittenicanttalklikeasanehumanbeingwhenevershesaround phase... =D
Tired of hearing talks about peoples behaviours... Sure the way they behave irks me at certain point of times. Grumble and shrug it off lah.. Must talk about them every time meh. Sometimes we focus on the dirt so much we forget someone's beauty. we forget we ourselves were made of dust (dirt). Well except women lah but that's besides the point. XD... basically that's all there is to it. Just love one another k? =)
Hannah said I forced myself to be interested in football so i can fit in. I admit it... I had no love for football.. in fact i hated it.. but in hindsight... I'm glad i did.. a whole new circle of friends opened up for me. I learned to get physical. I'm not afraid to charge ahead. It's like Aang learning Earth Bending. It was against his nature. But he had to learn it because he was the Avatar... I did it to get friends i guess.. or you could say to gain confidence. I used to be so cowardly. so scrawny. bump nie fly. but now i'm FAT! hahaha.. I still fly though. It did cost me tho.. Badminton only RM5... Futsal RM 10 leh!!
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." Jim Elliot
Taking a little literary freedom here. This quote meant giving up our lives for God's Kingdom rather than money for friends... but you get the gist. On a side note, read up Jim Elliot's story.. He was a missionary that reached out to the people in the jungles of Ecuador, among many other places. He was killed eventually, but his legacy lived on. Google it if you wanna find out =D
But yeah... I don't regret it lah.. Someone once said... Friendship is very intentional. I even prayed before initiating some friendships. LOL... weird kan? But i believe it's needed.. especially when you can sense great walls of china around certain people. I believe friendship comes from God.. Your friends are not accidents. Speaking of which, I met Ben: a fellow BM-ian. He's a musician (i.e. he plays gigs for a living).. and Indian, super hyper.. He was like.. "Go BM!" and fist bumping me... Guess it's kinda the reaction you get when you're in somewhere new and far and you find a fellow hometown friend. He felt called by God to melaka... indeed I wonder what God has prepared for him.. We exchanged numbers and he's all like, eh if u wanna jam call me k? hahaha.. We shall see man... we shall see.
Well, i suppose that's it for now... back to studying... CP2 I shall conquer you!!!
Ps. James is coming back. The Gang shall reunite! Woots!!!
Saturday, January 26, 2013
In the midst of it all...
Tis' le exam seasons!!! =D
If you're wondering why there's a smiley there, yes it is to mock you! Yes, you who think exam seasons is stressful and anxiety filled! Muahahahha.. ambik kau! Cuz thats the evil that is yours truly! HAHAHAHAHAHA...
Now for a sudden topic change!
Relationships! "Hah! Knew you were going there! Sudden change my foot!"
*SLAM. BIFF. THUD.* Blood trickles down the floor...
Ah well that's that... Come now... you didn't see anything... As I was saying.. Struggling to maintain a friendship which does not burden the other party (specifically when that person is someone whom you like) is not easy... it comes with expectations of the other party.. and when they're not met, one turns to frustrations and anger... padahal it's not even their pasal in the 1st place to expect such things...
A balanced friendship... an honouring friendship... I find it hard to achieve amidst all my emotions, desires, peer pressures and whatnot... But I will try. For her sake, for d sake of my results lagi. Hahaha.
I'm about 15% covering whatever that's left for finals... shall continue mugging now. Chaoz...
If you're wondering why there's a smiley there, yes it is to mock you! Yes, you who think exam seasons is stressful and anxiety filled! Muahahahha.. ambik kau! Cuz thats the evil that is yours truly! HAHAHAHAHAHA...
Now for a sudden topic change!
Relationships! "Hah! Knew you were going there! Sudden change my foot!"
*SLAM. BIFF. THUD.* Blood trickles down the floor...
Ah well that's that... Come now... you didn't see anything... As I was saying.. Struggling to maintain a friendship which does not burden the other party (specifically when that person is someone whom you like) is not easy... it comes with expectations of the other party.. and when they're not met, one turns to frustrations and anger... padahal it's not even their pasal in the 1st place to expect such things...
A balanced friendship... an honouring friendship... I find it hard to achieve amidst all my emotions, desires, peer pressures and whatnot... But I will try. For her sake, for d sake of my results lagi. Hahaha.
I'm about 15% covering whatever that's left for finals... shall continue mugging now. Chaoz...
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Restored...
U know when you play the Gameboy Pokemon... When you use the Full Restore potion, your pokemon will go back to full HP with all negative buffs removed?
It mirrors what God's grace and mercy can do in our lives. My God is not just a powerful one, He's THE ALMIGHTY ONE.
I thought my heart'd turned to stone... indeed it has been for so long... Words of encouragement meant nothing to soften this hardened heart.. prayers meant nothing... all the words of life people deposited in this heart, forgotten... ungratefully, almost obligingly.
But i know He's not finished with me yet. As PJ said few weeks back... It's been a series of reminders and hits in the faces these past few weeks. Today Pastor Steven did not pray any prophetic prayer over me, nor did he answer any burning questions that i'd needed answering... But he prayed for the presence of God to walk with me.. so tangible to the extent of it being physical...
Perhaps that's really been the only thing I needed all this while...
My heart went out to 3 people as he prayed over them this morning...
For Hannah... I'm proud of you... from someone whom when i first started talking to.. we talked about the brokenness of CF... for you to accept us as your broken 'ohana'... I feel privileged and grateful. Perhaps you understand a little more of why I'm still here after all these years.. =P
For Chris... You are so awesome!!! Words cannot begin to describe how I felt when Ps Steven was praying for you... I saw your heart... and mine in turn, wants to submit to the authority that God has anointed you with. CF is in good hands indeed... =)
For Abel... I apologize for always not being there.. You've been through a rough time... And now in this new season I'm glad to see God's work in your life... I know it's not even the start of the sem yet... But i all i really wanna say is this: I'm already proud of you. Rest in Him evermore.. and begin to rise up as a man aite? It's time. =)
God, I love you.
It mirrors what God's grace and mercy can do in our lives. My God is not just a powerful one, He's THE ALMIGHTY ONE.
I thought my heart'd turned to stone... indeed it has been for so long... Words of encouragement meant nothing to soften this hardened heart.. prayers meant nothing... all the words of life people deposited in this heart, forgotten... ungratefully, almost obligingly.
But i know He's not finished with me yet. As PJ said few weeks back... It's been a series of reminders and hits in the faces these past few weeks. Today Pastor Steven did not pray any prophetic prayer over me, nor did he answer any burning questions that i'd needed answering... But he prayed for the presence of God to walk with me.. so tangible to the extent of it being physical...
Perhaps that's really been the only thing I needed all this while...
My heart went out to 3 people as he prayed over them this morning...
For Hannah... I'm proud of you... from someone whom when i first started talking to.. we talked about the brokenness of CF... for you to accept us as your broken 'ohana'... I feel privileged and grateful. Perhaps you understand a little more of why I'm still here after all these years.. =P
For Chris... You are so awesome!!! Words cannot begin to describe how I felt when Ps Steven was praying for you... I saw your heart... and mine in turn, wants to submit to the authority that God has anointed you with. CF is in good hands indeed... =)
For Abel... I apologize for always not being there.. You've been through a rough time... And now in this new season I'm glad to see God's work in your life... I know it's not even the start of the sem yet... But i all i really wanna say is this: I'm already proud of you. Rest in Him evermore.. and begin to rise up as a man aite? It's time. =)
God, I love you.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Blabberings...
It's a funny thing when you have to think twice, no thrice even just to ask a person out for dinner.
Ok i admit i actually thought it over more than 5 times... and no it's not for a date.. just dinner.. with a bunch of friends. Jia lat.
Ok i admit i actually thought it over more than 5 times... and no it's not for a date.. just dinner.. with a bunch of friends. Jia lat.
Hmmm...
I'm gonna be CG-Coordinator next year. Still absorbing the impact of this particular responsibility. Pastor said: "You're the best there is."
Still finding the courage to accept those words. Lord help me..
Still finding the courage to accept those words. Lord help me..
Friday, January 11, 2013
Peace of mind...
It occurred to me that my frustrations for the past few days was purely emotional and mental desperation. I was looking for satisfaction... from God no less... due to the fact that i need to suppress these feelings of mine... that one day I may look back and say: "I'm glad I held myself back."
It's not easy. Felt like suffocating myself. =.=... Especially after BGR... lagi intense.
But I'm fine now.. so its time to blog! hahaha...
010110... Looks like some BCD code eh? But its not. It's my anniversary.. of a previous relationship. A day that I remember so clearly. Every detail. How beautiful she looked. How happy i was. How shy we both were. And the 2 years 5 months and 21 days after that... the Journey we went through.. the joys we went through together. trips to nilai. her trips down. the hours and hours of waiting and sitting through buses and trains just to spend time with each other.. hours and hours of talking and laughing on the phone/skype... listening to all of her stories... telling her about Gang Basikal.. ROC.. Scott.. Jerome.. Jon n Jeff.. Gunung Ledang.. Fraser's Hill.. January 29th.. Of course this is just the dreamy, happy side of things... i'd caused her pain as well... so much pain... that no amount of sincerest apologies can make up for. If my death could piece her broken heart back together... I'd die right now.
I'm sorry Yeng.
It's been almost 6 months now... She blocked me off FB hahaha.. Dunno why also.. But i guess it's best for both of us to cut off our ties... even the ties of being friends.. at least for now.. at least til her heart heals... I can only pray for her happiness.. that she finds real Joy... that she would eventually learn to live for herself... that eventually, she would find that real Happiness comes from Christ.. and from Him all good things flow.. I'd been the worst possible reflection of Him. I only hope you find happiness.. real happiness. =)
On a different note: I got a present to commemorate my baptism!!!! Thank you Eun, Josh, Foo, Angel n JaniceTeoKuching!!! so culture shocked.. Hahahahaha.. But so SO HAPPY!!!
It's not easy. Felt like suffocating myself. =.=... Especially after BGR... lagi intense.
But I'm fine now.. so its time to blog! hahaha...
010110... Looks like some BCD code eh? But its not. It's my anniversary.. of a previous relationship. A day that I remember so clearly. Every detail. How beautiful she looked. How happy i was. How shy we both were. And the 2 years 5 months and 21 days after that... the Journey we went through.. the joys we went through together. trips to nilai. her trips down. the hours and hours of waiting and sitting through buses and trains just to spend time with each other.. hours and hours of talking and laughing on the phone/skype... listening to all of her stories... telling her about Gang Basikal.. ROC.. Scott.. Jerome.. Jon n Jeff.. Gunung Ledang.. Fraser's Hill.. January 29th.. Of course this is just the dreamy, happy side of things... i'd caused her pain as well... so much pain... that no amount of sincerest apologies can make up for. If my death could piece her broken heart back together... I'd die right now.
I'm sorry Yeng.
It's been almost 6 months now... She blocked me off FB hahaha.. Dunno why also.. But i guess it's best for both of us to cut off our ties... even the ties of being friends.. at least for now.. at least til her heart heals... I can only pray for her happiness.. that she finds real Joy... that she would eventually learn to live for herself... that eventually, she would find that real Happiness comes from Christ.. and from Him all good things flow.. I'd been the worst possible reflection of Him. I only hope you find happiness.. real happiness. =)
On a different note: I got a present to commemorate my baptism!!!! Thank you Eun, Josh, Foo, Angel n JaniceTeoKuching!!! so culture shocked.. Hahahahaha.. But so SO HAPPY!!!
But those who wait on the LORD
shall renew their strength.
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31
As I read the verse... I was reminded of His greatness.. His mercy... His kindness... all that He is...
It's time for me to rise again... to walk... to run... and to SOAR...
=)
Ps. If i don't blog as often anymore... blame them for getting me this journal k? XD
Off to mission trip tmr.. Woots!! God Bless =)
Monday, January 7, 2013
Prove to me that you are real...
Dear God,
Think i've lost the ability to pray.. to worship.. to sense You.. so i've resort to this.. writing.. in hopes that You will hear me.. that You would answer my prayer.. cuz i've no hope if i don't have You.
Use me to serve You. Use me to cheer up my friends. I sense a lot of turmoil lately... and I know i haven't been the brother that i should to them. But now that I'm back.. allow me Lord, the privilege to once again speak into their lives... as they've spoken into mine. =)
I give my results and studies to You. I'm really really struggling in TMA... i wanna quit that subject. But if there's any hope ANY hope at all... Show me the way... Don't let me fail another time. Please i beg You.
Lastly, i give my relationships to You. Should I let go? Should i continue to float in this cloud of happiness...? I give it all to you.
I just thank You for everything in this life that you've given me. I'm numb to it i think... I don't know what happened to me. Feels like a dead man walking. hahaha.. But I write this in Faith. I write this with Hope.
Love,
Jian.
Think i've lost the ability to pray.. to worship.. to sense You.. so i've resort to this.. writing.. in hopes that You will hear me.. that You would answer my prayer.. cuz i've no hope if i don't have You.
Use me to serve You. Use me to cheer up my friends. I sense a lot of turmoil lately... and I know i haven't been the brother that i should to them. But now that I'm back.. allow me Lord, the privilege to once again speak into their lives... as they've spoken into mine. =)
I give my results and studies to You. I'm really really struggling in TMA... i wanna quit that subject. But if there's any hope ANY hope at all... Show me the way... Don't let me fail another time. Please i beg You.
Lastly, i give my relationships to You. Should I let go? Should i continue to float in this cloud of happiness...? I give it all to you.
I just thank You for everything in this life that you've given me. I'm numb to it i think... I don't know what happened to me. Feels like a dead man walking. hahaha.. But I write this in Faith. I write this with Hope.
Love,
Jian.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Lost...
been so for quite some time... I can say i emo pasal results.. pasal ppl go intern.. but I know full well why i feel this way. The reason is always the same. It's when You Lord, are not in the center of my life. It's when You Lord, are not ahead of me, preparing the way.. It's when You Lord, are not behind me, prompting me to go forward... Assuring me every step of the way. Maybe I've not done my part in keeping the relationship with You. I'm sorry.
Yet I long for You. For Your presence and Your company. For Your wisdom and Your counsel. For recharging my soul batteries, for quenching my spiritual thirsts. To worship and to lift your name up above my head.. above my shoulders.
I shan't be lost long. I know it's my choice to take the next step. As PJ says... Immanuel.
Yet I long for You. For Your presence and Your company. For Your wisdom and Your counsel. For recharging my soul batteries, for quenching my spiritual thirsts. To worship and to lift your name up above my head.. above my shoulders.
I shan't be lost long. I know it's my choice to take the next step. As PJ says... Immanuel.
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