It's week 8 of the sem. If life had a remote control, i'd hit Replay/Reset so i could relive this sem in a different way. Much has been going on, but nothing has been happening. It's week 8 now and assignments and midterms are catching up to me.
I was pretty lifeless for 2 months. I know people noticed. And I know it affected some pretty badly. But I didn't care. I waited and waited for someone to come along and just say:"Buck up Jian." But no one did. Everyone was just concerned if CG was going well or not, whether the CGLs had been 'talked to' already or not.. Whether I had planned everything out for backup or not.. As if all they needed/wanted from me was for me to deliver. Rather than investing in me as a person, as a friend, as a senior. Just cause I'd been through more than you doesn't mean I've all the answers. Or rather, just because I've the answers I can't be expected to believe in what I say 24/7. I'm human, I've my doubts my moments of weaknesses.
But I don't blame you... Hardly anyone knows the real me here anyway. Hence my expectations might've been too far fetched. Closing off doors expecting people to break through them probably isn't the way to go HAHAHHAAHAH... Sound like girl nie XD... Was glad Alvin came down for most of the week. Didn't confess my issue to him; but I actually went to classes.. I actually went out..
But regardless; it's time to hit ignition again. Gotta help myself. Hence I'm letting it out here. God won't you take control again.
Isaiah 40:31
...but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar
on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk
and not be faint.
A verse which kept ringing in my mind all this while... time to soar.
Signing off,
Jian.
P.S. If I may seem blunt, these feelings have been pent up for 2 months.. So I apologize. Hold it against me if u must, but do forgive me my transgressions. =)
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Keep walking...
Something i've to remind myself everyday... else i'd stop. and time would stop moving.. again. I don't want that. Supper today was interesting... mainly because Alvin was around.. and Zijian picking went to a whole new level... tu lah throw in MT lagi... Funny giler... say something kena.. quiet kena.. walk away kena.. emodai hahahahahaha..
They said I can tahan cuz i too patient d... that whatever comes I'd just bow n laugh/shrug it off... The truth is that i just have other things in my mind.. things that i'd never opened up to people. well I tried, but they seemed to be more preoccupied by their problems; and i'd always end up hearing them out instead.. So i stopped looking for shoulders of comfort long ago. and well, mainly because the only shoulder i had is also why i need a shoulder nowadays.
I'll admit tho, most of the time I cari pasal by letting my mind go berserk. But the trauma I went through isn't that easy to let go. I could've if I wanted to I suppose... but its just me being a childish idiot i suppose.
I've said I need to move on. I've said I'll keep my distance. But in my stubborn little ways I'd continue to call/message her. My mind wanders to her.. wanting her attention. bodo.
Then there's this whole other matter of the wrong signal thingy... Alvin n Hannah having the time of their lives bugging me bout it... =.=... I've let go people!! But it's a normal thing to feel attraction ma.. hence face red lor... sorry lorrr.... maklumlah she's a really attractive person, not to mention the amount of time spent around her. But sometimes I wonder why she still hangs around so often. why she omits his name whenever she hangs out with him.. but maybe that's just me thinking too much.
Gotta focus back on God. n Assgs... I look forward to Running Man 2.0... didn't join nor organize the 1st one... will be fun this time around =D
finally rant habis. nite peeps!!
They said I can tahan cuz i too patient d... that whatever comes I'd just bow n laugh/shrug it off... The truth is that i just have other things in my mind.. things that i'd never opened up to people. well I tried, but they seemed to be more preoccupied by their problems; and i'd always end up hearing them out instead.. So i stopped looking for shoulders of comfort long ago. and well, mainly because the only shoulder i had is also why i need a shoulder nowadays.
I'll admit tho, most of the time I cari pasal by letting my mind go berserk. But the trauma I went through isn't that easy to let go. I could've if I wanted to I suppose... but its just me being a childish idiot i suppose.
I've said I need to move on. I've said I'll keep my distance. But in my stubborn little ways I'd continue to call/message her. My mind wanders to her.. wanting her attention. bodo.
Then there's this whole other matter of the wrong signal thingy... Alvin n Hannah having the time of their lives bugging me bout it... =.=... I've let go people!! But it's a normal thing to feel attraction ma.. hence face red lor... sorry lorrr.... maklumlah she's a really attractive person, not to mention the amount of time spent around her. But sometimes I wonder why she still hangs around so often. why she omits his name whenever she hangs out with him.. but maybe that's just me thinking too much.
Gotta focus back on God. n Assgs... I look forward to Running Man 2.0... didn't join nor organize the 1st one... will be fun this time around =D
finally rant habis. nite peeps!!
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Random...
I hate myself for the past. For every wrong that i'd done. For every compromise I took. For every failure that happened. I hate myself.
Gotta wash out this self pity. I'm letting this go. A child of God has no time to wallow in such things. Time to look forward. Attend to the needs of others. Settle my degree. Begin to work out God's calling for me in life. I guess Alvin's slowly finding his way there.. and that's after 7 months of agonizing waiting on God and seeking Him. He's diff now than he was back in Alpha. From a guy that disliked 'all u cf ppl'... he came to call CF his home, to the extent that he 'loved' its people. and now God's preparing him for greater things. I feel so left behind... Burdened by things which should've not been mine. Fighting battles which I didn't need to fight in the first place. Everyday is such a drag. Scott asked me why don't I go to class even though i was awake? I didn't have the heart to tell him this was the answer.
OK!! I'm done!!! Time to wipe these thoughts away n go tido... Btw here're d events lined up and coming...
Tmr 9-5... Happiness Project
Thurs... CG Games woots!!!
Fri... WOT Marathon all night
Sat... MELAKA CAMPPPPPP
Monday: Holidaysssssssssssssss!!!!! XD XD XD
Gotta wash out this self pity. I'm letting this go. A child of God has no time to wallow in such things. Time to look forward. Attend to the needs of others. Settle my degree. Begin to work out God's calling for me in life. I guess Alvin's slowly finding his way there.. and that's after 7 months of agonizing waiting on God and seeking Him. He's diff now than he was back in Alpha. From a guy that disliked 'all u cf ppl'... he came to call CF his home, to the extent that he 'loved' its people. and now God's preparing him for greater things. I feel so left behind... Burdened by things which should've not been mine. Fighting battles which I didn't need to fight in the first place. Everyday is such a drag. Scott asked me why don't I go to class even though i was awake? I didn't have the heart to tell him this was the answer.
OK!! I'm done!!! Time to wipe these thoughts away n go tido... Btw here're d events lined up and coming...
Tmr 9-5... Happiness Project
Thurs... CG Games woots!!!
Fri... WOT Marathon all night
Sat... MELAKA CAMPPPPPP
Monday: Holidaysssssssssssssss!!!!! XD XD XD
Thursday, July 25, 2013
I'm.So.Excited.
Just found out today that industrial training is only another semester away... Can't wait!!! D=
Even though you're already in posting... and you might probably graduate earlier than me... But i suppose no one else would be happier for me than you. You don't know how much i wanna share this with you... But at least this little piece of joy will be recorded down here... =D
Gotta start planning during the sem break... Should I go back to penang and get a company there? Or should I go to Singapore? My uncle mentioned the possibility of interning for Razer. Who wouldn't want that??? Might even get to nick off some products for free muahahaha... XD
CG will be in awhile... This year things are different... Being coordinator, I can see many things i didn't as a CG leader... Or rather, I'm forced to look further than ever before... Thank God for Chris for his concerns... for Hannah which I inherited this privilege.. and to Esmond for helping me figure out the next step in this ministry... =)
Dealing with people is no easy task... trying to please both sides, when both are involved in God's ministry... It's like trying to bathe 2 dogs at once... So I pray for Your wisdom and guidance in the things I do or say regarding this matter.. or for any other matter.
Need to sleep b4 Bible study later. nites XD
Even though you're already in posting... and you might probably graduate earlier than me... But i suppose no one else would be happier for me than you. You don't know how much i wanna share this with you... But at least this little piece of joy will be recorded down here... =D
Gotta start planning during the sem break... Should I go back to penang and get a company there? Or should I go to Singapore? My uncle mentioned the possibility of interning for Razer. Who wouldn't want that??? Might even get to nick off some products for free muahahaha... XD
CG will be in awhile... This year things are different... Being coordinator, I can see many things i didn't as a CG leader... Or rather, I'm forced to look further than ever before... Thank God for Chris for his concerns... for Hannah which I inherited this privilege.. and to Esmond for helping me figure out the next step in this ministry... =)
Dealing with people is no easy task... trying to please both sides, when both are involved in God's ministry... It's like trying to bathe 2 dogs at once... So I pray for Your wisdom and guidance in the things I do or say regarding this matter.. or for any other matter.
Need to sleep b4 Bible study later. nites XD
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Good Morning. LOL...
Lol. so epic... slpt at 4am, wake up b4 my alarm rang. achievement sia... Anyway, hari ini ku rasa bahagia. or at least I want to haha. Got some stuff planned for CG... *hint* Bacon n Cheese ngahahahaha..
Lately I'd been bit by the loneliness bug again. Maybe because She's said goodbye for good, maybe because a friend could just pass me by without even looking me in the eye, maybe because the hope i had for a healthy relationship with another is gone now that i know she's interested in another, maybe because alvin is so far away HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... not to mention hui lee also giler faar. that james lagiiiii fffffaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrr..... think he's in Auckland right now. can't wait to finally visit him someday.
For as long as i can rmbr, i'd been awkward at making friends.. for most of primary school I only had one close friend. and we'd read harry potter together under the desk during classes. and exchange letters til we were high school mates. But nowadays she busy kerja d lah... It wasn't til I went to church and Penang that I knew how to socialize. But even then, most of my high school life was spent alone at home. F5 nie start going out for supper.. F5 nie had people calling home to look for me. Hahaaa... Sorry la i really wallflower wan XD
But it was during these years (F4) that I came to know a friend.. a friend so close she knows everything about me. Even the way I think. Hahahaha. A friend who came to be my confidant. someone I could tell and relate everything to.. and I knew her the same way too.. come to think of it, it's been 8 years now... but she's gone... gone from my life(no she's not dead)... choi. haha... I miss that friend. Got nobody to crap to hahahaha.. or rather, got nobody's crap to listen to.. I wonder how's her posting going on. How's her family. How's her gougou n hamsters. Don't know why. If she'd meant this much to me why'd I let her go in this way. why'd i hurt her so. I only pray God bless her life. Please don't let her grieve anymore...
On the other hand, banyak reminders to rise up as a man once again. Sulk enough d hahaha. Kena discipline and walk right in His ways. Got so many things coming up... Dunno can handle anot D=
But I will... For my parent's sake, for the people I know...
P.S. Esmond so yeng!! Engaged d sia.. so epic... XD
P.PS There's only one person who can Drift with me. XD
Lately I'd been bit by the loneliness bug again. Maybe because She's said goodbye for good, maybe because a friend could just pass me by without even looking me in the eye, maybe because the hope i had for a healthy relationship with another is gone now that i know she's interested in another, maybe because alvin is so far away HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... not to mention hui lee also giler faar. that james lagiiiii fffffaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrr..... think he's in Auckland right now. can't wait to finally visit him someday.
For as long as i can rmbr, i'd been awkward at making friends.. for most of primary school I only had one close friend. and we'd read harry potter together under the desk during classes. and exchange letters til we were high school mates. But nowadays she busy kerja d lah... It wasn't til I went to church and Penang that I knew how to socialize. But even then, most of my high school life was spent alone at home. F5 nie start going out for supper.. F5 nie had people calling home to look for me. Hahaaa... Sorry la i really wallflower wan XD
But it was during these years (F4) that I came to know a friend.. a friend so close she knows everything about me. Even the way I think. Hahahaha. A friend who came to be my confidant. someone I could tell and relate everything to.. and I knew her the same way too.. come to think of it, it's been 8 years now... but she's gone... gone from my life(no she's not dead)... choi. haha... I miss that friend. Got nobody to crap to hahahaha.. or rather, got nobody's crap to listen to.. I wonder how's her posting going on. How's her family. How's her gougou n hamsters. Don't know why. If she'd meant this much to me why'd I let her go in this way. why'd i hurt her so. I only pray God bless her life. Please don't let her grieve anymore...
On the other hand, banyak reminders to rise up as a man once again. Sulk enough d hahaha. Kena discipline and walk right in His ways. Got so many things coming up... Dunno can handle anot D=
But I will... For my parent's sake, for the people I know...
P.S. Esmond so yeng!! Engaged d sia.. so epic... XD
P.PS There's only one person who can Drift with me. XD
Friday, July 12, 2013
Restless...
Once again, i'm here to pen down my thoughts.. before i go insane.. haha.
Been thinking too much lately. It's been more than a year. Watching her leave on May 22nd I'd vowed not to step into her life again; I thought with the pain and misery I'd cause her... She'd be better off without me in it. IF ever we'd cross paths again, we'd just be friends...
I know now that's impossible... When you know someone that well, when that person becomes what you call a soulmate, regardless how far you've been apart, or how long. Some invisible thread binds you together. i'd realize i've been using someone else as a distraction. (the fact that i was so easily able to let her go proved that to myself)
So know what? You visit every night. So restless every night. or in the day, should i be alone. I need to study weii...... midterm tmr. scumbag brain think so much for what.
Thank God for James n Hui Lee. If not i'd be MIA again. GG my studies like that.
I wonder if she's happy now she's let go of me. i know i'm not. It's like some big hole just dropped out in your heart like that. again. (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻
I need to fill my heart with God. I like that song Hannah sang on tues. I'm restless without You Father. Let me continue to walk on in your will. Walk on...
Been thinking too much lately. It's been more than a year. Watching her leave on May 22nd I'd vowed not to step into her life again; I thought with the pain and misery I'd cause her... She'd be better off without me in it. IF ever we'd cross paths again, we'd just be friends...
I know now that's impossible... When you know someone that well, when that person becomes what you call a soulmate, regardless how far you've been apart, or how long. Some invisible thread binds you together. i'd realize i've been using someone else as a distraction. (the fact that i was so easily able to let her go proved that to myself)
So know what? You visit every night. So restless every night. or in the day, should i be alone. I need to study weii...... midterm tmr. scumbag brain think so much for what.
Thank God for James n Hui Lee. If not i'd be MIA again. GG my studies like that.
I wonder if she's happy now she's let go of me. i know i'm not. It's like some big hole just dropped out in your heart like that. again. (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻
I need to fill my heart with God. I like that song Hannah sang on tues. I'm restless without You Father. Let me continue to walk on in your will. Walk on...
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Trudging along.. but I must keep going.
Lord, only you know what troubles this heart. Only you know the exact amount of stitches needed to patch this heart back together. I'm down but not out. Keep my under your Wing Lord, let me soar with you above the storms of my heart. where all is calm... and there's no one else.. but You. You in all your beauty, in all your Majesty.. And as I worship you continue to build your throne in my heart. Until there is non but Jesus as the Lord of my life. Until then, I ask for continued renewal of your strength.
I said some bodo stuff today. Ended up in an awkward situation. Bodo brain. Hahahahaha. But I trust it in your hands God. If can please make her forget bout today =.=.. seriously stupid...D=
Sermon today was really good. Defending my faith. Not with any fancy techniques or psychology or philosophy or anything complicated like that... Just defend it with the Bible. YESH TEH BIBLE!!! (No its not a spelling err XD)
The Bible is a double edged sword. and it works regardless against the powers of the other realm, or even in this physical world of ours. Must brush up my bible knowledge.. As Capt Don puts it: Don't read the Bible; STUDY IT!!! So, study hard peeps1! =D
Besok ada field trip p Bank Negara Msia... Shall be an interesting one. Hopefully they let us take pics.
Then at night ada badminton lagi. WOOTS!!!
I suppose that shall be all for the night.. Gnite peeps XD
I said some bodo stuff today. Ended up in an awkward situation. Bodo brain. Hahahahaha. But I trust it in your hands God. If can please make her forget bout today =.=.. seriously stupid...D=
Sermon today was really good. Defending my faith. Not with any fancy techniques or psychology or philosophy or anything complicated like that... Just defend it with the Bible. YESH TEH BIBLE!!! (No its not a spelling err XD)
The Bible is a double edged sword. and it works regardless against the powers of the other realm, or even in this physical world of ours. Must brush up my bible knowledge.. As Capt Don puts it: Don't read the Bible; STUDY IT!!! So, study hard peeps1! =D
Besok ada field trip p Bank Negara Msia... Shall be an interesting one. Hopefully they let us take pics.
Then at night ada badminton lagi. WOOTS!!!
I suppose that shall be all for the night.. Gnite peeps XD
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Bleh
Today I folded. After 2 weeks into the deal. GAH. Gotta buck up. Cannot allow this to continue anymore.
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