Change..

Have i really changed? Everyday i'm still back in my old habits. Wake up Jian. You can fool the world, but not yourself. Not God. WAKE UP...

On a different note, since i don't wanna sleep.. i can, i don't want to.. haha.. lets just rant a lil.. Be warned, i'm tired, extremely tired.. forgive me if you find my rant to be offensive. =)

Was talking to few people the past few days... cuz stress pasal my assgs.. i really thank God for them.. i guess there really are people who'd genuinely care bout my studies, my well being. Parents been calling almost everyday =.=.. stress cuz the ptptn stuffs i din do.. hahaha.. someone help me? i'm totally clueless haha..

Again, talking with people.. in this case Nanneri, somehow the question: Why am i still here popped up.. Indeed. i'd been here 5 years ad.. move on la hahaha.. i'd never asked myself this question before... Why'd i stay in CF? but i suppose i already have an answer in my heart..

is CF really that bad right now? I suppose it was worse.. but now? have things changed for better? or did we just THINK they did and somehow hope they'll be? sigh.. God.. why la ppl so hard to love each other? i also pikchik with some people haha.. i know the answer lah.. just sayin.. heh..

but yea.. everything so instant nowadays. relationships are also instant...
1st impression bad, shunned.. isolated.. piss off one person whole gang come and gang up on u.. looks like there're some things u just can't stamp out huh.. people are people so wat to do haha..

had supper with kaevin, prav n jerome.. interesting topic bout graduating late.. learn your lesson ad lahhhhhhhh....... you're 23 ad.. still want your parents to worry meh??? Your bro is in FRIGGIN UNI!!!!! GOSH. when you wanna wake up from this dreamworld? Study harder can mou? Lingli's even getting married.. lol. that awkward moment when the girl you went on your 1st date with is marrying someone else 4 years later... u damn big screw up la u.. after that u got yourself a wonderful girlfriend.. now look what happened? u just HAD to screw it up.. just HAD TO...

i really want to change.. but i'm just reverting back to the old self.. but i wanna move forward. draw strength from God eh? 1st i gotta make my heart right in God 1st. Keep walking jian.

I don't usually blog, but when I do...

This post is to thank God. For bringing me through this assg period time.. plus Choices launch and meetings.. plus CF.. plus church stuffs.. and now it's come to this.. FINALS...

This'll be my 1st real finals since 'then'.. no time to slack off. Time to mug!!!

Sunday

Sometimes, I'm too chill for my own good.. As Joel put it as he prayed for me this morning, "Lord help him to have the urgency to accomplish the things/tasks given to him..." (paraphrased)

It is a problem.. haha.. I'd bitten off more than I could chew this past few weeks.. just rushed finish TTV assg and presented the day after.. i have a good feeling about it though.. after that rush DB assg.. busy until din plan ppl's bday properly.. after that immediately CG.. and CG talent prac.. then futsal..

Next day is Merdeka. Overslpt. Cmon lah how many times u wanna kena ish..
Out whole day... Reach home at 3.30am.. Expendables 2 was awesome... not action awesome but laughing awesome... oh and Assassin's Creed FTW!!!!

Next day 10am CG Games planning. Then CG Talent.. thank God for my wonderful members... by the time i reached they were already left with 1 more movie.. haha.. after that had a break until 7pm.. which we practiced for launching... after that design cover photo n profile pic.. which should've been done one day ago.. *see what i mean?*

Today.. i'd gotten up at 7.15... but i still managed to fall aslp until Sam called. I was late, but not that late =P... Just got home.. i really need to get a move on my assg but i just wanna go slp XD



And so i shall... Signing off, Jian

Basic Instruction Before Leaving Earth

Eat the Bible.
Eat it in the morning, eat it in the afternoon;
Eat it in the evening, eat it in the night.

Eat the Bible, so you will be full of light.

 

Everyone has a storybook with his/her name written on it. 

 I'm here to continue writing mine.

 For awhile now, time has stopped at this blog. Time stopped for me certain points in my life. My regrets are aplenty, but now is not the time to dwell on them. Past few weeks have been so hectic i couldn't keep proper track of what day it was sometimes. But that feeling when you've friends and your family to pull you through.. when your parents call and you ask them if they've eaten; when you score a goal in futsal against the guys.. when God shows you his plans for you and the people around you.. plans to prosper you not to harm you.. I can only feel joy and appreciation of how AWESOME this God of mine is. How real he can be to both you and me. I'd taken my salvation for granted. Yet he never gave up on me. A person who loved me with all her heart already did.. It took that much for me to realize my mistakes. I'm sorry, but I won't go back anymore... I only hope your happiness will be real.. and that one day, you'll find that this God of mine, Jesus.. is the one and only true, living God of this universe.

Hannah says update my blog more, and I shall. It'd be good to record this journey I'm about to begin. 

=) Zj, peace out. 

State of mind

I'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell i know, right now you can't tell... but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see, how i used to be...


current state of mind: messed up. one big pot of grey matter stew... one might call it... blah..

my happiest line today: AANNNNDDDD AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEAAAAIIIII WILLL ALWAYSSS LOVE YOUUUUU.... XD


my heart is questioning, wondering, deducing, plotting, rebuking, replanning, focusing, running away, and holding on, and oh so many other things... here i shall try to express my feelings in a most unbiased way lol.. he said 'unbiased'... lol...


today i watched, thought and stared. some points i let myself go, but some i held on. and man it sucks.
yeng ah.. i reli duno wat u thinking... i reli dunno how to respond to u.. right now wat my heart needs is healing frm God. filling of His Spirit in me... with the wolves standing at the door of my heart, id given and committed myself to God... and may He lead me in my days. but it's not easy.. i see them everyday. fb.. face to face.. on my contact list. i just want to smash all these into pieces. i want to live life where i don't have to hunch. where i can look a person in the eye... and should God allow, to find back that especially precious person... the one who stood by me... the one whom still stands by... God may she see that I love her.. renew this love everyday God. don't just wonder whr she is, wat she's doing, who she's with... pray for her, bless her, pray for God's peace and comfort upon her. REMEMBER.....
 

got lighting n thunder.. sked sked... hahahaha... i shall go slp now.. tmr need to move hse.

Who am I?

Who am i? What do i want? What is my burden? I don't know myself anymore.. There's so much head knowledge.. so much knowledge I've wasted without applying them in life.. Knowledge of who God is.. knowledge of Maths and Physics.. of Managing my time.. of bringing the best out of everything i put my hands to work on.. I'm just wasting my life.. I know.. I loved my girlfriend.. i know... but i cheated.. why? i don't know.. i know its the ONE thing she cannot tahan. but why did i still do it? Why? I knew cheating was wrong.. why? all these useless knowledge. 

I'm full of hot air. I'm the thunder which can only be heard.. but there's no lightning to be seen.. I'm the footsteps that never reach the bottom of the stairs.. When will i wake up? when will i walk this world the way only i'm capable of? When when will i show all of my potential? I don't know... 

If u asked me.. Knowledge is power. I adore knowledge. I pursue wisdom. But I am only a fool in the end.. because I misuse my knowledge. A wise man knows when he is wrong, and strives to right his ways. A fool doesn't; even if he does he strives to maintain his wicked ways. In the end there is only destruction waiting for him. 

I wish someone would gimme a kick in d ass and shout BUCK UP.. hahaha.. But God has already opened the door. I've to walk through it... 

Don't stop moving Jian.

Thoughts...

The reason i started this blog was to have a place of penning down my thoughts. And for awhile now i haven't really got anything to say... But i'm kinda bored now so yeah.. XD 

Only been 2 weeks since new year's.. quite some stuff's been happening. I don't share much, but i don't intend to hide either.. So peeps.. don't think i anti-social k? U just gotta ask XP

Some stuff i'd been thinking about.. 

- studies.. almost stopped MMU, cuz parents wanted me back.. but after 2 weeks discussion back in Nov, they decided to let me stay on.. change course to IT... so i tried to apply LOA, n switch course.. but now, LOA rejected, status dismissed, and now GG lor... I'm going campus to get things settled tmr... hopefully things will go fine... 

- CF.. wonder about cf lately.. yes its not the same as it used to.. yes things used to be more family.. but there's no point just reminiscing and not doing anything bout it.. sad to say i haven't been doing my part as a senior that well either.. with the examples i'm setting i doubt anything good'll come frm that... There's a lack of love and unity in cf.. there's bullying, verbal bullying.. c'mon la.. CF is family.. a place of broken hearts and souls.. a place where nobody's perfect. sure la there'll be weird ppl. if u can't handle den avoid nie lor.. there's others who can handle.. where's your right to talk behind the fella's back? i hope u grad and never come back.. cf'll be a better place then.. 

- ROC.. disappointed in myself.. could've done a much, much, much better job as a scriptwriter/senior/director... i've learnt a whole lot through this year's play.. i've learnt how to deal with people.. how to organize something.. how important it is to plan ahead.. how prayer and plans walk hand in hand... and again, i wished I've learnt these things sooner.. for myself as a scriptwriter i feel that i've failed to lead the people to love one another, and support each other, as well as support the directors... due to events throughout the play. even on the last day of the event itself. i've not gonna say much, but things are still hanging. apology has not been made. man up and do it man.. =.=.. but i guess i can't say anything bout it either.. lacked courage to bring it up during post mortem today.. felt so hanging man.. so unsatisfied.. - my room is really HOT right now cuz the fan cacat and i don't wanna turn it on.. =.=.. plus the rental's really exp.. owner can u make it cheaper bit ar? T.T.. 

- Yeng... many things happened in the past few months.. it's been a rough ride down choppy waters.. but i'm glad we're still persevering on the road to *ahemahem* together as partners.. i really pikchik right now cuz our calls can't get through and we decided to talk tonight.. wan die liao hahaha.. if u ever read this you'll noe if i missed out anything during our talk tonight(if we manage) or tmr.. XD.. I love you, take care leh.. T.T.. 

That's all for now.. some of the things i said might be sensitive somewhat.. if i've said anything wrong that you wish to discuss or confront me about, msg me on fb.. or call me out for makan.. Medan for lunch den we talk talk.. =) 

Here's a picture of a cat:

Puzzled?

So we didn't talk for the big part of the day.. maybe that turned u off. or maybe something happened, and you don't wanna tell me.. just wanna let my steam off here.

i'm so friggin FRUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! argh.

so anyway mlk camp just over.
ps jo asked wat d camp did for me.. honestly nothing much.. again it's up to me in d end to take the 1st step. so weird eh relationships.. be it with God or with men.. you gotta take the initiative.

so with that i'm off to call you and see if you'll talk to me summore.. =P

Journey

looking back.. we really didn't have anything much in common. but somehow, you walked into my life.. and years later.. we end up walking hand in hand. although we may have different strides, and i might trip over my clumsy feet once awhile.. I'm glad to have you by my side, always pulling up on my feet. i cannot express enough my gratitude and love for you who've always been there for me. I am not ashamed to declare my love for you, Symone Lee Yeng Yeng. =)

Fail.

There comes a point in a person's life when he has failed enough.
what's the point???

what's the point???

i give up.... i just want to let go.. it hurts every time.. it hurts..