The next step...

Been a frustrating weekend for me.. or rather, week... or rather, since Choices ended. i can't focus on anything. anytime i'm not occupied my mind teleports to her. stupid head. kills me that i know i can't and shouldn't do anything about it. the online chit-chats didn't do much. she doesn't reply much lols...

Last night i went and got my shoes back. She opened the door. I walked up. She handed me the shoes: "Check whether it's yours anot." I took the shoes and opened the plastic to check, glancing up at her only for a second. She was smiling. I said: " Yeah thanks. Good night." and left... and smiled like an idiot all the way home.

I'm such an idiot... =.=... (PS. How DID she know those were my shoes???)

On the other hand. God's presence has been absent from me.
I don't know why. It's like, i lost Him... for once i can't say that... He's there... When i seek Him in repentance, in waiting, in worship... I get nothing... I don't know what's going on.

Then today Pastor dropped a Bomb. A literal B-Bomb.


BAPTISM.


Apparently there's one this Christmas. She once told me this is not a ticket to a sinless life. Don't take it lightly. And i won't. in fact when she mentioned it FEAR immediately gripped me. I'm gonna die in a week's time. The old me is going to die. It HAS to die. Or rather... I've to kill it before then.. or something like that. I've to repent before then.. or something like that. Yesterday I read how Jesus prayed in the garden of Gethsemane. He prayed in anguish.. in desperation. Even when the angels wipe away his sweat and comforted Him; He prayed even harder... to the point of sweating blood.

This is the next step on this road i'm taking. I know it. But it's a BIG step. God is not gonna push me through it; only I can step through. And i know that if i miss it... I don't even wanna think that...

I only pray that You will not withdraw your presence from me... as with Saul. I will die if that happens. i will be tortured by past sins. Haunted by my own misdeeds. I'm afraid Lord. Afraid and tired. Please help me.