Saturday, December 29, 2012

Like glass that shatters easily...

...and so does the human heart. Well, i think mine's an exception.. I read about guarding hearts today. I dunno the definition of it. Still vague after all the reading I'd done.One thing did stick tho...

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Proverbs 4:23

I learned that in pursuing a relationship... it's not just our responsibility to guard the particular sister's heart, but your own heart as well; not to mention your FRIENDS' hearts... I believe I've been naive in that part. All's warm and fuzzy and you forget everything. Such selfishness and ignorance.

I've also learned that guarding one's heart goes beyond that of romantic relationships... It has to do with our whole being: our inner-man specifically. God sees the heart. He made it abundantly clear in His Word. My father gave me the name David... I didn't know who David was until I was at least 15 or 16.. when i started reading the bible... David was called: A man after God's own heart. What a privilege that was. His son, Solomon... wrote about guarding the heart.. because what the heart is.. the person becomes. Out of the heart, his mouth speaks... if there is foolishness in the heart, you'd know by their fruits.. if there is humbleness.. if there is wisdom...

I'd read once about leading our own heart.. instead of letting it lead our desires.. our actions.. Been doing a sucky job at that... I'm still hurting people apparently. There's a need to change. A need to soften my heart to His Word.

http://bible.org/article/guarding-heart

Here.. something I found useful in understanding the full meaning of the phrase: Guard your heart.
Not just guarding it against hurting your brothers & sisters.. but guarding it against itself, against Satan's fiery arrows.. and more...


Peace out,

Friday, December 28, 2012

Time to hit the restart button!!

Recently my blog has been about mushy emotional stuffs n whatnot... i apologize.. hahaha. not! Let a guy dream kan? lol.. just kidding..

anyway... been awhile since i blogged...So, shall we catch up with the events of the day???Not like its very interesting tho; but i digress...

Dec 23rd.
Baptism Day... Both Noel n I were serving that day.. I didn't really know what to say. Nor did i felt really prepared... But hey, i had 7 years+ to prepare.. no excuse kan? lol... Here's a picture of it as proof. =P

                                                          Picture courtesy of Scott Tan. 

I won't forget what pastor asked:"Do you love the Lord Jesus with all your heart, all your strength, all your mind, and all your soul?"

I replied:"I do."

It felt like a marriage to Christ than an act symbolizing repentance n rebirth.. XD
But i guess that's the weight the act itself carries... So time to buck up eh... no more foolin around...
23rd Dec.. my 2nd birthday *in Christ*


23rd Dec (Evening)
I mentioned to many people how this was the most musical Christmas I'd ever had...
Right after baptism, went out makan, came home and shot straight to Fel's house.. a few of us had been recruited to sing carols for le Nilas aunty n her churchmates.. we thought it'd be a makan session so we practiced, and left for Nilas around 7.30... aaaannndddd arrived to an empty shop... apparently it wasn't a makan session, she'd invited her churchmates JUST to hear us sing! We felt so bad >.<... ended up singing to her alone, after which she made us have some drinks and makan some cake. the cake was sooo good... too bad it had raisins in it. She's so motherly.. all of us like her anak nie.. esp Kim ahhahaha..

After that we went on a food trip LOL.. All the way to Pak Putra.. I managed to stop by Yi Po's hse.. so nice to see them and talk to them after some time... They didn't celebrate this year..

24th Dec *Le AWESOME Christmas Party*
I AC-ed all the way from 11pm of 23rd to 6pm of 24th.. BEST gaming marathon EVER...
After that went back, bathed, and its off to FOOD FEST!!! XD
Twas' an awesome night... after that go practice for Christmas morning service.. somehow i from PA jadi backup.. Sing again.. i was already having sore throat by the time i went home around 12.30am on Christmas morn.. After that we had a small After Party kat Fel's place.. They had Irish Cream while i drank Mountain Dew.. Heh. But it was a nice hangout session...

                                                             A Christmas gift from Sharon.



25th Dec (CHRISTMAS)
Woke up early on Christmas (serving).. by early i meant 820am while service starts at 1030.. =.=..
                                                                    Worship Session

They said i looked like an elf with the cap. XD..
After service, went off to makan *somehow i forgot what i ate*...
Around 3.30, we gathered at Fel's again... This time to sing carols at Nilas Aunty's church itself...
Not knowing what to expect, we went. Ps. It's MC n Brian's church as well...

                                                                         The Carolers!!

It was really fun, and a blessing to bless them... and i'm always thankful to fel n jui.. they're d only ones who constantly acknowledge my bass-iness.. XD... according to jui she can't mention my full name.. if she starts with Lee, it'll end with a Zi-bob. Hahahaha..

After the session at d church we left n went back to rest at Fel's house, til the open house at Mr Walson's... He's a church member who joined us recently... So he built an epic house nearby... PJ invited us to go sing caroling sempena his house dedication to the Lord/house warming...

                                                                  Le Awesome House


                                                             Some nice Christmas deco...


                                                         Once again, the carolers!! XD

So there goes my Christmas... A fun, friends filled experience. Was whatsapping James from time to time... Really miss that monkey.. Hahaha. Well, as my father would say, time to wrap up your feelings and buckle up for studies! I've got 2 lab tests comin up... not to mention assignments... Jia lat.


CG tonight was simple and full of food and laughter... I only hope the juniors enjoyed it as much as we the old peeps did.. XD...
PS. She's having the Infineon Competition presentation tmr. Woots!! Good night peoples. =)

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Macam budak...

I'm a person who needs constant reminding of who i am.. Or rather, who i am in Christ... So to whosoever is reading this, it'll be a big help if you'd gimme a kick in the butt once in awhile to remind me. Heh.

I guess in that way i'm such a kid. Need to grow up even more. Even though people call me uncle nowadays... But i beg to differ... only because i know for it to be untrue. Baptism is tomorrow. Am i prepared? No. Will i be prepared??? Guess we'll find out. Got d whole afternoon n night to prepare...

Sorry pasal the recent 'frust' posts... Just remember to look to God. Work it out with Him, and the rest will follow... =)

On a different note: Apparently I'm a caring person. I can't lead/walk in front without looking back making sure everyone's following. But I know i'm also called to lead. So how ah? hahahaha. I like where CF is right now. I like where things/people are moving. I like how we got to mix with CCF n CSF during Choices... Was very much encouraged by seniors who came down, who helped financially, who were there physically/mentally. Very much indeed.

I should learn to thank God more. hahaha. My mind is often blank nowadays. Don't slip off Jian. If not you'll be left behind again. Think. Work. Run.


I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philipians 4:13.


Christmas is coming. Unlike some, i never really got to experience the significance of celebrating it with one's family. I'm also unfamiliar with the gift giving tradition. the first time i received a present from a cfer i had culture shock. "For me?" i asked... but it made me really happy... Shud buy some stuffs for ppls... hehe.. But i thank God for the family i have here in CF... Monday night we celebrate k?

Alvin's bday is on the 29th. and he's coming down. Too bad i'm on mission trip. Have to pass his present to his bro. Question is what to buy??? Hmmm...

Friday, December 21, 2012

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Peace..

As baptism class went on.. I felt a steady flow of peace in me. I know what to do, I know why i'm doing it, and i know who i'm doing it for. And i suppose i do have an answer for: "Why water baptism now?"

It's because God has bought me to a point in my life where I'm forced to be serious about me faith; or dropout. So yeah. It's no joke, this step I'm taking this Christmas.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

RRRRRAAAARRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I wanna ROAR. ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The first step of happiness...

A phrase that got me wondering... like seriously... =.=...
Gotta push that away for now... gotta focus on God. on my studies. on becoming a real man. a man of God.

Easy to say. But most of the time i'm oblivious to happenings around me i guess.
Sometimes i wonder if I'M the one actually making things complicated.
Stupid. haha...

Tmr night is baptism class. Still feels awkward telling people i'm getting baptised. I wonder what they think of it. But then again, I know this is just the past haunting me. So yeah... I claim victory in Christ. I don't wanna wallow anymore... That being said, cannot skip anymore classes HAHAHAHAHAHA..

REALLY NEED TO DISCIPLINE MYSELF.

On the other hand, just be friends just be friends... Don't go trying to gain favors, don't go trying to gain favors. Guard her heart. Guard her heart. Guard her heart. Guard her heart. Guard her heart.

Help me Lord to control this heart. This wicked, evil, lustful heart. I surrender all to you. To you be the glory and honour, forever and ever. Amen.

Back to baptism class. most people didn't know i haven't been baptised. just goes to show how good an actor i am eh. But after this, no more acting. Especially with my parents. No more chances. No more compromise... Gotta work, and work hard. Work!!! XD

Nite peeps =)

Sunday, December 16, 2012

The next step...

Been a frustrating weekend for me.. or rather, week... or rather, since Choices ended. i can't focus on anything. anytime i'm not occupied my mind teleports to her. stupid head. kills me that i know i can't and shouldn't do anything about it. the online chit-chats didn't do much. she doesn't reply much lols...

Last night i went and got my shoes back. She opened the door. I walked up. She handed me the shoes: "Check whether it's yours anot." I took the shoes and opened the plastic to check, glancing up at her only for a second. She was smiling. I said: " Yeah thanks. Good night." and left... and smiled like an idiot all the way home.

I'm such an idiot... =.=... (PS. How DID she know those were my shoes???)

On the other hand. God's presence has been absent from me.
I don't know why. It's like, i lost Him... for once i can't say that... He's there... When i seek Him in repentance, in waiting, in worship... I get nothing... I don't know what's going on.

Then today Pastor dropped a Bomb. A literal B-Bomb.


BAPTISM.


Apparently there's one this Christmas. She once told me this is not a ticket to a sinless life. Don't take it lightly. And i won't. in fact when she mentioned it FEAR immediately gripped me. I'm gonna die in a week's time. The old me is going to die. It HAS to die. Or rather... I've to kill it before then.. or something like that. I've to repent before then.. or something like that. Yesterday I read how Jesus prayed in the garden of Gethsemane. He prayed in anguish.. in desperation. Even when the angels wipe away his sweat and comforted Him; He prayed even harder... to the point of sweating blood.

This is the next step on this road i'm taking. I know it. But it's a BIG step. God is not gonna push me through it; only I can step through. And i know that if i miss it... I don't even wanna think that...

I only pray that You will not withdraw your presence from me... as with Saul. I will die if that happens. i will be tortured by past sins. Haunted by my own misdeeds. I'm afraid Lord. Afraid and tired. Please help me.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Blerghhh......

Stress... What am i doing? i'm going crazy... =.=...
Choices 2012 just passed. Guess i won't have much of an excuse to spend time around her anymore eh? Dah lah she's your close friend's long time crush... haih.. Dying trying NOT to do something about it. Gahhhhhh....

Help me to pray and wait God. to pray and wait.

On a lighter note, here you go:

Choices 2012: Is there more to life than this?

All in all, to God be the glory. =)

Monday, December 3, 2012

We can do this!!!

Change can happen in a minute. Don't tell me a week is not long enough.

Time.

3rd and church, where I stayed
Laid my head in an empty room
And I still feel the same, with a bed under me

Time is always running away
Never stopped, never prayed
Everything I wanted to say
Now it’s gone, it’s too late

If you ever see me, ten years ago, would you let me know?

"Everything you’re doing, keep going and you’ll be alone
Cause time is not on your side, slow down."

Wore my hands through the skin, worked my mind till it caved in
Never stopped, never played, working away, working away

Time is always running away
Can't hold on, can't delay
Everything I wanted to say
It’s gone, it’s too late

If you ever see me, ten years ago, would you let me know?

"Everything you’re doing, keep going and you’ll be alone
Cause time is not on your side, slow down." 

Through the walls... onto the streets...
 I’ll take my first step as I free me
And if I see you I will tell you
You were right
You were right
You were right

And time is not on your side.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Untitled.

God... I'm at a place where i don't know what to do.. I don't know... It's like someone just switched the SHUTDOWN button on me... I find trouble to even trust my own words... LOL..

It's been months since i started writing properly... and as i look back.. i see Your workmanship...
I see how You've bought me from losing everything again.. to where i am now. and once again it seems as if.... i've lost everything.

What've i done wrong Lord? Every step i take has a landmine hiding right underneath..
Can i not step out anymore? (I know i can't do that) Asking that's just too easy. I know i need to keep going... i just don't know where to go anymore. It's the last lap already. Why now? Why this?
It's eating me up inside, knowing of broken friendships but not knowing what to do or how to fix it.
Why can't people just tell me what i did wrong? am i THAT inapproachable??? Am i THAT unteachable???

There're no walls in order to know me. I am who i am, because of what i'd been through.. because of Your work in me. I'm just Zijian. Why isit that people whom i've known for years still mistrust me? Did i perceive our level of friendship wrongly? I might have.. but oh well...


I just wanna see people happy. Regardless of how i feel.
*something i'd inherited from her i guess*

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

What i want...

Today's CF was a slightly different one. Diff in a sense we seldom have such an old couple teaching/sharing with us.. diff in the sense that, in some ways they were more energetic than most of us! And different in the air that they bought in...

The message i heard today wasn't so much as what they were speaking/teaching... but more of their conduct.. the way they carried themselves.. and their knowledge.. and wisdom... I saw beyond what they were teaching and i wanted more.. I want to learn more.. not about boys n girls n how to communicate.. but rather, how to live. How to actually live out a Christian life!

Mum texted today. Dad called too... they weren't able to call me on my birthday cuz my cousin went up for a visit and they were busy entertaining.. they called/texted during their work. I would've talked longer with them... and laughed... i wish they'd called during dinner... i would gladly rush out of wtv i was doing to talk to them. I just miss them.

On the other hand, both my bros wished me on that day. So happy. hahaha... Ziyi's off in grandma's hse enjoying himself... Ziyuan was in a taekwondo tournament that day. So proud of him... Hope he'll continue what he's doing and really enjoy his uni life.

As for my bday celebration itself... the 1st hour was memorable.. hahahaha... I'm humbled and privileged that they would think I'd be the 1st to rush out. I'm glad. Thank you directors... Honestly i threw away the cake... >.<...
 During the end of morning practice, my CG members threw another surprise... the Hokkaido cake was DELICIOUS!!! Altho i only ate 1.. hahaha... I gave out all the other 3 before eating the last.. even that i was planning to give away.. but no one would take it.. so i ate it. and i'm glad i did.. XD
So that's it.. my birthday.. no fancy dinner.. no presents.. just my friends and the great privilege to be remembered and to have fellowship with.

And I'm glad for that.



On a different note, the happiest birthday celebration i had was my 22nd one. In INTI. Yeah.. the happiest. =)





I was gonna leave you with that, but no blog post should be left hanging... hahahahaha.. Actually this post ended at "How to actually live out a Christian life!" But i guess a birthday post is a must? N i was too lazy to do another post for it... hahahahaha.. so yea. I want to learn more. Good night.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Random thought...

Many a times we see something unrighteous, someone in need of help... many a times... but how many times did we actually extend that helping hand to another? Just a random thought after reading Ps Jo's recent FB status..


Monday night after props, we went scouting for the needy/homeless.. it was so hard to find any... but we did see one, around melaka raya.. and we passed by... i didn't think much of it... most of the time I look, my heart goes out to them.. but always too shy to take that move of courage.

I'm not like James. He actually tried to buy chicken rice for that uncle on the bridge.. too bad when he bought it the uncle disappeared n never came back...

So as Kath drove by the empty streets... My thoughts lingered around the old man we saw at melaka raya... hands folded tight over his chest, legs curled up in a desperate effort to keep warm... he only held a relatively big plastic bag.. n was using it sort of like a blanket...

As we made the last round... we ended up on that street again... somehow i uttered: "If the old man still there why don't we get him some food?"

I don't know why i did that.

I didn't think Kath'd actually stop.

I didn't think of what we'd say to him, nor what would happen if he'd brush us off.

So we stopped by the 7/11 nearby... bought some potato bread, wondering if he'd like potatoes...
Straightaway my mind wondered.. what kind of story would this man have to tell...
Would we listen?
It'd be uncomfortable would it not?

We bought 2 packets of bread, a disposable rain coat (picked to orange one), n a bottle of mineral water. As we walked on to the uncle.. I hung back, knowing i had to pray... i didn't know why, still don't know why... I just plan to hang back n let Chris n Eric do the talking (since they were in front)...

Turned out the uncle spoke Hokkien... which only Kath n i understood.. lol...
He was saying kam sia, kam sia, kam sia... (Thank you) over and over..
I didn't hear that part tho...
I knelt down beside him and took out the stuffs we bought for him, got bread la.. got rain coat can use la.. Kath asked if he had any friends...

No friends.

I wonder how its like; having no friends. I wish i could tell him: Jesus is your friend... but then what'd we do? bring him back n take care of him in our homes? say jesus loves you and leave him there?
In the end we'd said our goodbyes and bid him take care... and we walked back to our car. I hung back again... Saying a prayer to God.. that he'd find help.. that the rest of his life wouldn't just be sitting around streets.. that he'd actually be SAFE... I don't know if anyone else did that.. but i guess.. its something new for me.

i wonder if what we did that night changed a person's life. And it makes you wonder... how about the lives revolving around you at all times during your own life? Aren't they as significant? The people we come in contact with day by day.. If only we can meet their need.. the world would be a better place i guess.. I don't know if i've the right answer to what Christianity is about.. but I bet, it'd be about meeting the needs of the needy. And not just physical needs, but more than that: mental, emotional, and even Spiritual needs.

Won't You Lord, use me to pray for those in need. That they'd find hope and encouragements.
That their needs be met. If You will it to be so, use me to meet those needs.

Monday, November 19, 2012

More thoughts...

This place has become a place to pen down my thoughts, my views, n sometimes even my prayers.
My only hope is that these will somehow speak to your life (whoever is reading this) and that it will encourage you. My LORD is Jesus Christ, and I think you should get to know Him. He's pretty awesome i guess..

Anyway... Today was Choices Sunday full run through again. We're now in Week 4, and thing's are starting to pick up speed. A relatively stress free run for myself (I was playing instead of being runner for once). But it seems, many things have been happening... and maybe I'd been taking the back seat for too long.

Gotta pray for Noel. N for Aaron too... For Noel cuz 2 days ago he baru lepas.. today nie kena again haha.. not to say what la.. i guess he has a diff thinking.. but still, we need him to step up.
I feel very bad. I talked him into this choices thing. I myself didn't know what I was getting into; and I expected him to deal with whatever comes with the kind of adaptability that I was used to and capable of. N now, he's been asked to step out of the music team too.

I can identify. As a musician, nothing... i mean nothing, gives more joy or exhilaration, or excitement, or drives more enthusiasm, than being able to play. than being able to just express ALL that you're feeling into your instrument, into your song, into the audience. And nothing more fulfilling, than watching their faces light up as they enjoy the music, just as much as you enjoy playing the instrument.

Last year, i was asked to step out right from the start. I REALLY WANTED TO PLAY. I REALLY WANTED TO. But I'd kept quiet, & struggled with it, and continually found joy in whatever else i was doing. Simply because i knew what i was doing it for. Looking back, I knew I'd done the right thing. But the fact remains, i really want to play. Even in Choices; at the start I knew what a music team would be capable of in this project. A full team, full blown atmospheric freedom. We can bring that! I saw it. But no one else did. N now it's become just an acoustic booth, catering to those nearby... Not to say it's a bad thing. But this is far from my vision for the band.

I'd given Noel the freedom & the authority over the band. While being in it. I knew how it felt to be out of it. No matter how much JZ or Noel or Joseph said: "It's our team! We're the Nerd Band!" while including me, I knew it's different from playing in it. Because I'd experienced it with Christy and Hui Lee n the rest of ROC1 Band.. I feel left out even in the midst of practice. *sometimes*
So it's not so bad. I mean, the acoustic idea is really cool.. something only ppl like Fel n Jui can come up with... *the parts and all*... So I'm happy with the way things are going... But it seems things will be taking a big turn. It seems Noel's being pushed to step out of d team; rather than being given a choice. so gotta pray for him lah.. we'll see what happens. Maybe should call him out for lunch tmr.

As for his story... perhaps he didn't know the full magnitude of what he signed up for. But from the start I knew this would be BIG. Maybe I didn't convey it properly enough? Was it my fault things are like this now? I saw him taking charge during his story... I saw him grow... Yet suddenly it seems he doesn't want to move anymore.. and I wonder why.. Was it all the late night meetings? Or our playful attitude even during meetings like this?

I liked meeting today. It was serious, straight to business. We need it. More than ever now. Issues that arise need to be tackled. N we lose precious time tembaking each other or making funny inside jokes that we laugh about for 10 minutes... Guilty as charged. haha.. but really glad to see le director stepping into her big shoes... i much prefer this... heh.

 As for the seniors story... I really don't know what'd happened.. i mean... i know the past issues regarding concerns and how we'd handled them... but guys.. c'mon la.. I'm your batch wan.. sampai need to hear from Kath? what is so hard about coming to me if there is indeed a concern? I know i can be very independent. I've my own principles and thoughts and perceptions. Nothing you say can change it, unless I see the logic and thought process behind it. But nobody wants to see Choices fail. So I pray for us all... that whatever's been bothering you, or whatever that I'd done to wrong you or hurt you... do bring it to light... Don't whenever I ask how're you your responses are: "Fine" or "Just tired"...
I muak ad hear those words. I guess I'm just not good enough to be your confidant. But I can understand. I haven't been the most perfect of men after all. I've fallen more times than anyone in the CF could have. I've fallen again and again and again. Who'd take my word for it? They're the words of an adulterer after all.

But I digress. I'm not an adulterer. or at least I do not want to be one. I want to be who God created me to be. I want to be the leader He made me to be. that He gave me the chance to be. And I'm gonna take it. But 1st thing 1st la.. gotta wake up for class tmr. XD

Sorry. I'd said I hope this post/blog will bless you... but it's become a ranting post seemingly.
But with all things said, I pray and hope for the best. I pray and hope for peace, joy, and reconciliation... for that is what we need.. God, move your mighty hands in this place. in this little place called MMU Melaka.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Preaching time!! HAHAHAHAHA...

I'm not qualified mind you. But since not many ppl read this blog, i think i can rant a lil from time to time.


- Live an Examined Life.
- Remind yourself who you are in Christ Jesus each day, hour and minute.
- It is a privilege to lead; not a burden.
- Enjoy that privilege, for our time to lead is often short.
- Balance out wanting the best out of something, but give room for unmet expectations.
- There is always a plan.
- If circumstances prevent the fruition of your plans, plan again rather than wallow in what ifs and should haves.
- Wisdom comes from God.
- Ask for it. Always.
- At the end of each struggle, there is victory.
- For a Christian, it is a privilege to struggle/suffer for Christ's name's sake and for the plans He has for you.
- He is working on you. His unique, his perfect masterpiece.
- Repent everyday. every hour. every minute.
- His wrath is very real.
- Salvation is not a ticket.
- It is a marathon.
- Run it like you're the last runner in the race.
- Seek to know the Lord. Don't just know ABOUT Him.
- How? Talk to Him lah. Talk nie... but rmbr lah.. He's d God of the universe leh.. must jaga mulut/hati a bit... XD
- I count it nothing but joy if I've to suffer for Christ's name's sake. (Quote from Paul the apostle.. u can clarify by googling)
- Actually i count everyday i get to live as joy lah..sry Paul.. i more optimistic than u.. =P
- If you're Christian n u still think you're not worthy to be God's child, i tell you, you'll never be worthy. Being called God's child is a GIFT. Because we were saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ, we're entitled to be called God's own children. So deal with it. Remind yourself who you really are.
- And when u do, you'll know how to behave as a person.
- If u still think you're unworthy, go read David's story from 1st Samuel to 1st Kings. See how God change his life. =)

Phew.. that's quite a few... That's all for tonight i guess... Nite peeps! XD

Disclaimer: Some of the thoughts are not mine. (Most are tho) I'll leave it to you to Google it aite.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Nothing beats...

... answered prayers!!! hahahaha..

I thank You for being true to Yourself. when you're true to yourself, you're true to me. God, bless tonight's meeting. may we find favor among one another. may we find logic in planning.. and may you work miracles for us... for us all... This production is bigger than the 7 of us. we may feel hurt now, some more than others... but once again, You're our King. no one else. not the pres, not pastor, not the directors, not the members... but YOU. Bring us together Lord. Bind us together. We're your ship setting sail in the waters of MMU... but we can't if the masts have not been tied together. we can't if crew members are still struggling to find their posts.. So Lord, build your ship.. and when you're done, steer it.. be the Captain of this Ship Lord. That's my next prayer LOL...

Gotta go class now.. see yaz!!

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

A little piece of mind...

God.. i'm writing this to you again.. hahaha.. so emo kan. nobody to talk to.. except for You. dahlah i disappoint u like wad nie... still got the guts. living by grace everyday konon. am i living like someone who's been saved by grace? in Jan's words.. u SUPER PRO... U SIAO WANNN... lols.. but to me, You're my wonderful Savior. i can only ask You to wash away my sins. no one else can. no one else.

i really hate this part of me. i wish You'd just take it away. wouldn't it have made things so much better??/ why do i have to suffer like this? Why do people around me have to suffer for my sins??? i hate it!!!11 i HATE IT. i want it to stop. forever. God.. forever.. i don't want it in my life ANYMORE... may this be a lasting prayer.

my heart is heavy. it feels like its stuck somewhere down my esophagus refusing to go down.. or be thrown up. the cough's not making it any easier.. every time i cough it feels like a mini heart attack due to the state of mind i'm in right now. God ah.. we're doing this for you.. we've been really really putting up our all for this... and now this. What is this??? Why do i feel so betrayed? He said to give us full support no matter our decision. To help us, to encourage us. Yet what's been unfolding so far has not been a true testament to his words. I won't budge no matter what happens tomorrow. i wanna be selfish for once. i wanna break from that submission. i wanna say something. and i want it to be heard.

BUT, i know that's not the way... that's not YOUR way. so SHOW IT TO ME!!!!!! It's tomorrow!!! For Your sake!! I honestly don't know what will happen after tomorrow. I really don't know. and i don't want to know. Life could've been so much simpler. I'm smart.. i get by in studies.. I hardly ever got into an accident or any heavy injuries.... i had a girlfriend. why didn't i just stay there???? why all this hard work and hard circumstances that i imposed on myself??? I want to live out your Love Lord. just let me do that... and i'll be happy the rest of my life...

On the other hand we REAALLLYYY need ideas to prepare and set the things for Choices...!!! So God if you'd please hurry up the crash course for us.. I'd be really happy to take it tmr... I only pray for 2 things... the same 2 things since the start of this... Wisdom & Strength... and You've been answering my prayers so far... so Amen, and Hallelujah!!! =D

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Only You Know..

God.. I'm typing this out to you. Only you know the things I'm going through.. how can things be so wrong when we're doing this for u? or rather why? is the big picture really that hard to see? what are we doing wrong? What am I doing wrong? I know I'm super forgetful... XD... but I'm trying hard.. i write down things.. i only hope and wish and pray for the best of Choices. many things seem stuck. Without thinking i step in.. thinking of helping.. yet in the midst of doing so i forget my own responsibilities and forget to make my own ends meet. Is that wrong?? Is this not what I'm supposed to do as your child? Is this all that I'm capable of? or is it just me trying all on my own strength? If that is the case, won't you take control? I'm just here for You to use me.. I just want to empower people. Bring them up. Lead them to greater heights! But how can i? When I'm painted as the bad guy... Hahaha.. what a series of small misunderstandings can do eh? Lord I BEG you... mend my broken relationships... I cannot do this by my own strength. I need You... I really really need You......

Monday, October 29, 2012

Rant

I wanna rant awhile. U say u respect directors. U want to follow wat we want. then when u don't like what we want, u buat lah perangai. u shoot down my suggestions with that stupid face of yours. u think i don't know wat u thinkin meh? i can friggin read u like a book. please la... can don't nonsense ar. blerghhh... try to look at the bigger picture. u think i want to leave things like this? u think i don't want to make a call/decision??? I don't hold the veto power here ok? we're working together all 7 of us. Seriously u wanna buat perangai ah? how old d??? Can buat muka in front of me summore. when got junior there summore... walaoh... GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, October 26, 2012

Intensive Week + Week 1

It is now 9am on a Friday morning. of a friggin holidayyy. and i'm UP. Typing this. GAHHH.....

Well it's a choice.. I'm not complaining, merely exaggerating...
2 weeks went by.. and there's been so many things happening I can barely breath. Yesterday had been a wonderful day of rest + CG + Futsal... Supposed to do homework but oops.. I'll do it after this...

Intensive Week... how was it for u guys? I truly wonder... made many mistakes as i got absent minded during the whole week.. sorry guys, keep forgetting my promises.. we were really unprepared as a whole... But I believe God will work us out... and He will work us through...

1st week of class... Quite chill i guess.. best thing was how I could concentrate in class.. Woots!! I wanna keep this for the whole sem...

___________________________________________________________________________


Midnight of Sunday. I'm tired... really tired... don't know why... maybe i'm spiritually broke after all... God I need you.. i don't know who to tell.. So so so tired.... but yeah.. You gave me Wisdom, now I ask for Strength. Be with me God... 

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Home.

I only get to post stuffs bout home every so often. So i hope this'll be a long one? =P
I don't get homesick... I do love my family, i do love them.. but i guess i'm not that good at showing it..
Crashed Scott's place for a night during the Convo Trip.. 1st thing he did when he got home, hug his mother and father. for a moment there i felt jealous.. i wished i was brave enough to do that..

Story time. lol.. The night right after camp, went do script writing with Kath... we did till 2++... o.O.. i didn't get any sleep prior to that cuz went out with Sam n Scott for our tickets, and i spent the remainder of the time talking with the latter. I thank God for putting me here.. i thank Him for using me to be a Barnabas in CF... seems there's not enough Barnabases to go around. After script writing I tido straight. Hit the sack right on my face. Didn't wake up til 930. Saw Hannah's text. Called. Right after that I prayed.. been awhile since i talked with Him like that... He reminded me of my family.. the night b4 i'd spoken slightly roughly with my mum... so i texted her and apologized.. hahaha.. that's a first..

The time is now.. I need to reach out to my family... but i'm just so afraid... I've to tell them about Choices.. i want to tell them the burdens God has put in my heart.. i want to tell them that i want to be serious about God and about my studies... God has opened the way. I only need to take courage. Pray for my family k =)

1st faces i saw back in Pg: My dad & my youngest bro
1st thing i ate back in Pg: Kueh Teow Ta(Dry) from Chai Leng Park
1st thing my mum commented bout me: Why your hair like that wan?? Not nice lah!
1st thing i did the morning after i reached: Fetch bro to PMR, den updated pasal Choices 2012 8am in the morning (Sry Hannah & Kath) So gungho LOL...

Talking bout Choices... God i can only pray u take control... It's only my first real day of holidays... yet there's been so many rejections and obstacles already.. so many uncertainties.. God I pray for the vision of eagles... That I may see beyond these things... That you would show us... The impossible, is kacang to You... =D...

Take courage.
Take Courage.
TAKE COURAGE.

\\Signing off\\
\\Jian\\

Monday, October 1, 2012

An unexpected journey...

Actually its less of a journey but more of a trip lah.. XD... Yesterday, Sam asked if i could follow him n Ps. Jo to KL for some business... and so i went... it was a last minute thingy.. i only had 3 hours sleep before waking up at 7.30 and by 8am, we were on our way to KL... =)

The reason i'm recording this is so i don't forget later on... because these things we talked about... are close to my heart..

Leadership in CF... I've been wondering lately.. how did Louis n JT become the leaders they were? how did they get there? Pastor's answer for Louis was availability... but i saw more in him than that... guess i'll have to ask him to find out.. I really wanna see CF ppl grow.... not just in their studies or L4D skillz... but their leadership... their fellowship with one another... there's something to learn from these seniors... to help us grow in our lives, spiritually, and street-wise.. and also leadership wise.. I thank God for Edmund... I've seen him grow in this past sem... this past year.. i just pray God u continue to work in him... and that he'll become a GREAT LEADER one day... =)


Role as a brother/finding a partner... haha.. somehow lah we were talking bout this topic... not specifically but rather this was what i took from it la.. who are girls to us? to me? aren't they not God's creation? i do admit.. i've not treated girls with the respect they deserve.. the full respect.. my eyes wander and my thoughts too. God i pray u take these desires away from me. I want to be a man, worthy of a noble woman. somehow as we were talking bout all these things.. i'm assured lah.. of the kind of partner i want.. of the things i'm looking for.. I'll keep these close to my heart... God only you lead the way. =)


All in all.. I thank You Father, for this trip... oh yeah.. one thing i rmbred.. GOT TO ask my dad.. "How u stick to mum all these years ah?"... =)

Let's keep walking shall we?

PS. I've decided what i wanna do in LifeGame already. Let's see if it'll work out... 

A joy that comes from above...

Been MIA few weeks... final exams just ended a little more than a day ago (Saturday).. and yet here i am already busy with work which isn't even school related.. hahaha.. well it is but den again.. it's not exactly academic.. XD.. Got hit with a bad fever right after my maths paper... which eventually led me to sit through CP1 finals without even studying, forced to relieve my diarrhea once during the exam... having to sit back and rub my head in pain after solving each question... Lecturers must be wondering if the paper was really that hard.. hahaha..



Right after paper went home n tried to sleep... to no avail!! T.T... ended up watching Tom & Jerry.. XP
*NO I'll NEVER GET BORED OF TOM & JERRY*
Eventually went for next sem planning for Choices around 4pm.. (still Saturday)
As we discussed and planned and prayed... the picture gradually grew clearer...
*sry hannah kath n i so busy ppl... XD*

Right after meeting rushed offed to Michelle's Grandma's wake service.. Drove alone.. headache lagi..
Thank God i found the place without much trouble.. Was gonna serve as guitarist for the worship part.. end up Ps. Chung sendiri play XD... cuz tarak 2nd guitar... Kath, Cheryl, Jerome n Scott were there... We talked to Michelle.. She looked well.. so good lah.. =)

Fast forward to Sunday...


Today is Comm Planning Day!!!
Honestly I wasn't really excited or anything for today, just neutral... Lol.. Abel's been nagging pasal addressing the protocol issue thingy.. Initially told him it shouldn't be addressed publicly cuz it involved alphas.. but i thank God for the wisdom lah.. That He gave me the right opportunity and the right words...

Jui n Jan cooked AWESOME AWESOME spaghetti for us!!!!!!!!!!!
Sadly i just recovered.. stomach too bloated for 2nd round... sad wan DAII...
they were talking bout Gan during makan.. don't like haha.. tho i laughed at one point.. but know lah when to stop =.=...

Toward the end of the night... I'm just so filled with joy lah.. Was really thankful for Esmond, who sat with us these long hours... for Ed, Kath n Cheryl's leadership... So glad to see them bond... Ed will say one thing n Kath n Cheryl will react SEJIBI wan... XD... Wonder if Hannah Kath n I will end up like that =P...
Also really happy to see the comm lah... I don't want it to end this sem either.. but even if it does... I've no regrets.. This bunch of ppl really =)


Basically my story boils down to one thing: Joy of Serving.
I can be having diarrhea and headaches, or aching somewhere in my back or neck or having high fever... I'll never back down from serving.. cuz it gives me Joy... God i thank You for showing me these things.. These are my treasures... and You'll increase them all the more as i grow evermore.. so....


Bring it ON Choices 2012!!! XD

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Memories...

In our 2 and a half years of relationship.. I'd only ever given her flowers ONCE.. Now I wish I'd given her more.. not like that'll change anything.. just one of my whims.

If only I'd not been so stupid. Heh.

I got her roses. Heh.

Friday, September 14, 2012

God is.

There's a past in us, that we can never change.
There's a hurt in us, that won't ever really fade.
There's darkness in us, that tries to take over day by day.
But there's a light in us, that gives us freedom, to live for the next day.

Change..

Have i really changed? Everyday i'm still back in my old habits. Wake up Jian. You can fool the world, but not yourself. Not God. WAKE UP...

On a different note, since i don't wanna sleep.. i can, i don't want to.. haha.. lets just rant a lil.. Be warned, i'm tired, extremely tired.. forgive me if you find my rant to be offensive. =)

Was talking to few people the past few days... cuz stress pasal my assgs.. i really thank God for them.. i guess there really are people who'd genuinely care bout my studies, my well being. Parents been calling almost everyday =.=.. stress cuz the ptptn stuffs i din do.. hahaha.. someone help me? i'm totally clueless haha..

Again, talking with people.. in this case Nanneri, somehow the question: Why am i still here popped up.. Indeed. i'd been here 5 years ad.. move on la hahaha.. i'd never asked myself this question before... Why'd i stay in CF? but i suppose i already have an answer in my heart..

is CF really that bad right now? I suppose it was worse.. but now? have things changed for better? or did we just THINK they did and somehow hope they'll be? sigh.. God.. why la ppl so hard to love each other? i also pikchik with some people haha.. i know the answer lah.. just sayin.. heh..

but yea.. everything so instant nowadays. relationships are also instant...
1st impression bad, shunned.. isolated.. piss off one person whole gang come and gang up on u.. looks like there're some things u just can't stamp out huh.. people are people so wat to do haha..

had supper with kaevin, prav n jerome.. interesting topic bout graduating late.. learn your lesson ad lahhhhhhhh....... you're 23 ad.. still want your parents to worry meh??? Your bro is in FRIGGIN UNI!!!!! GOSH. when you wanna wake up from this dreamworld? Study harder can mou? Lingli's even getting married.. lol. that awkward moment when the girl you went on your 1st date with is marrying someone else 4 years later... u damn big screw up la u.. after that u got yourself a wonderful girlfriend.. now look what happened? u just HAD to screw it up.. just HAD TO...

i really want to change.. but i'm just reverting back to the old self.. but i wanna move forward. draw strength from God eh? 1st i gotta make my heart right in God 1st. Keep walking jian.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

I don't usually blog, but when I do...

This post is to thank God. For bringing me through this assg period time.. plus Choices launch and meetings.. plus CF.. plus church stuffs.. and now it's come to this.. FINALS...

This'll be my 1st real finals since 'then'.. no time to slack off. Time to mug!!!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Sunday

Sometimes, I'm too chill for my own good.. As Joel put it as he prayed for me this morning, "Lord help him to have the urgency to accomplish the things/tasks given to him..." (paraphrased)

It is a problem.. haha.. I'd bitten off more than I could chew this past few weeks.. just rushed finish TTV assg and presented the day after.. i have a good feeling about it though.. after that rush DB assg.. busy until din plan ppl's bday properly.. after that immediately CG.. and CG talent prac.. then futsal..

Next day is Merdeka. Overslpt. Cmon lah how many times u wanna kena ish..
Out whole day... Reach home at 3.30am.. Expendables 2 was awesome... not action awesome but laughing awesome... oh and Assassin's Creed FTW!!!!

Next day 10am CG Games planning. Then CG Talent.. thank God for my wonderful members... by the time i reached they were already left with 1 more movie.. haha.. after that had a break until 7pm.. which we practiced for launching... after that design cover photo n profile pic.. which should've been done one day ago.. *see what i mean?*

Today.. i'd gotten up at 7.15... but i still managed to fall aslp until Sam called. I was late, but not that late =P... Just got home.. i really need to get a move on my assg but i just wanna go slp XD



And so i shall... Signing off, Jian

Friday, August 31, 2012

Basic Instruction Before Leaving Earth

Eat the Bible.
Eat it in the morning, eat it in the afternoon;
Eat it in the evening, eat it in the night.

Eat the Bible, so you will be full of light.
 
Everyone has a storybook with his/her name written on it. 
 I'm here to continue writing mine.
 For awhile now, time has stopped at this blog. Time stopped for me certain points in my life. My regrets are aplenty, but now is not the time to dwell on them. Past few weeks have been so hectic i couldn't keep proper track of what day it was sometimes. But that feeling when you've friends and your family to pull you through.. when your parents call and you ask them if they've eaten; when you score a goal in futsal against the guys.. when God shows you his plans for you and the people around you.. plans to prosper you not to harm you.. I can only feel joy and appreciation of how AWESOME this God of mine is. How real he can be to both you and me. I'd taken my salvation for granted. Yet he never gave up on me. A person who loved me with all her heart already did.. It took that much for me to realize my mistakes. I'm sorry, but I won't go back anymore... I only hope your happiness will be real.. and that one day, you'll find that this God of mine, Jesus.. is the one and only true, living God of this universe.
Hannah says update my blog more, and I shall. It'd be good to record this journey I'm about to begin. 
=) Zj, peace out. 

Monday, May 28, 2012

State of mind

I'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell i know, right now you can't tell... but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see, how i used to be...


current state of mind: messed up. one big pot of grey matter stew... one might call it... blah..

my happiest line today: AANNNNDDDD AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEAAAAIIIII WILLL ALWAYSSS LOVE YOUUUUU.... XD


my heart is questioning, wondering, deducing, plotting, rebuking, replanning, focusing, running away, and holding on, and oh so many other things... here i shall try to express my feelings in a most unbiased way lol.. he said 'unbiased'... lol...


today i watched, thought and stared. some points i let myself go, but some i held on. and man it sucks.
yeng ah.. i reli duno wat u thinking... i reli dunno how to respond to u.. right now wat my heart needs is healing frm God. filling of His Spirit in me... with the wolves standing at the door of my heart, id given and committed myself to God... and may He lead me in my days. but it's not easy.. i see them everyday. fb.. face to face.. on my contact list. i just want to smash all these into pieces. i want to live life where i don't have to hunch. where i can look a person in the eye... and should God allow, to find back that especially precious person... the one who stood by me... the one whom still stands by... God may she see that I love her.. renew this love everyday God. don't just wonder whr she is, wat she's doing, who she's with... pray for her, bless her, pray for God's peace and comfort upon her. REMEMBER.....
 

got lighting n thunder.. sked sked... hahahaha... i shall go slp now.. tmr need to move hse.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Who am I?

Who am i? What do i want? What is my burden? I don't know myself anymore.. There's so much head knowledge.. so much knowledge I've wasted without applying them in life.. Knowledge of who God is.. knowledge of Maths and Physics.. of Managing my time.. of bringing the best out of everything i put my hands to work on.. I'm just wasting my life.. I know.. I loved my girlfriend.. i know... but i cheated.. why? i don't know.. i know its the ONE thing she cannot tahan. but why did i still do it? Why? I knew cheating was wrong.. why? all these useless knowledge. 

I'm full of hot air. I'm the thunder which can only be heard.. but there's no lightning to be seen.. I'm the footsteps that never reach the bottom of the stairs.. When will i wake up? when will i walk this world the way only i'm capable of? When when will i show all of my potential? I don't know... 

If u asked me.. Knowledge is power. I adore knowledge. I pursue wisdom. But I am only a fool in the end.. because I misuse my knowledge. A wise man knows when he is wrong, and strives to right his ways. A fool doesn't; even if he does he strives to maintain his wicked ways. In the end there is only destruction waiting for him. 

I wish someone would gimme a kick in d ass and shout BUCK UP.. hahaha.. But God has already opened the door. I've to walk through it... 


Don't stop moving Jian.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Thoughts...

The reason i started this blog was to have a place of penning down my thoughts. And for awhile now i haven't really got anything to say... But i'm kinda bored now so yeah.. XD 

Only been 2 weeks since new year's.. quite some stuff's been happening. I don't share much, but i don't intend to hide either.. So peeps.. don't think i anti-social k? U just gotta ask XP

Some stuff i'd been thinking about.. 

- studies.. almost stopped MMU, cuz parents wanted me back.. but after 2 weeks discussion back in Nov, they decided to let me stay on.. change course to IT... so i tried to apply LOA, n switch course.. but now, LOA rejected, status dismissed, and now GG lor... I'm going campus to get things settled tmr... hopefully things will go fine... 

- CF.. wonder about cf lately.. yes its not the same as it used to.. yes things used to be more family.. but there's no point just reminiscing and not doing anything bout it.. sad to say i haven't been doing my part as a senior that well either.. with the examples i'm setting i doubt anything good'll come frm that... There's a lack of love and unity in cf.. there's bullying, verbal bullying.. c'mon la.. CF is family.. a place of broken hearts and souls.. a place where nobody's perfect. sure la there'll be weird ppl. if u can't handle den avoid nie lor.. there's others who can handle.. where's your right to talk behind the fella's back? i hope u grad and never come back.. cf'll be a better place then.. 

- ROC.. disappointed in myself.. could've done a much, much, much better job as a scriptwriter/senior/director... i've learnt a whole lot through this year's play.. i've learnt how to deal with people.. how to organize something.. how important it is to plan ahead.. how prayer and plans walk hand in hand... and again, i wished I've learnt these things sooner.. for myself as a scriptwriter i feel that i've failed to lead the people to love one another, and support each other, as well as support the directors... due to events throughout the play. even on the last day of the event itself. i've not gonna say much, but things are still hanging. apology has not been made. man up and do it man.. =.=.. but i guess i can't say anything bout it either.. lacked courage to bring it up during post mortem today.. felt so hanging man.. so unsatisfied.. - my room is really HOT right now cuz the fan cacat and i don't wanna turn it on.. =.=.. plus the rental's really exp.. owner can u make it cheaper bit ar? T.T.. 

- Yeng... many things happened in the past few months.. it's been a rough ride down choppy waters.. but i'm glad we're still persevering on the road to *ahemahem* together as partners.. i really pikchik right now cuz our calls can't get through and we decided to talk tonight.. wan die liao hahaha.. if u ever read this you'll noe if i missed out anything during our talk tonight(if we manage) or tmr.. XD.. I love you, take care leh.. T.T.. 


That's all for now.. some of the things i said might be sensitive somewhat.. if i've said anything wrong that you wish to discuss or confront me about, msg me on fb.. or call me out for makan.. Medan for lunch den we talk talk.. =) 


Here's a picture of a cat: