In the midst of it all...

Tis' le exam seasons!!! =D

If you're wondering why there's a smiley there, yes it is to mock you! Yes, you who think exam seasons is stressful and anxiety filled! Muahahahha.. ambik kau! Cuz thats the evil that is yours truly! HAHAHAHAHAHA...

Now for a sudden topic change!

Relationships! "Hah! Knew you were going there! Sudden change my foot!"

*SLAM. BIFF. THUD.* Blood trickles down the floor...

Ah well that's that... Come now... you didn't see anything... As I was saying.. Struggling to maintain a friendship which does not burden the other party (specifically when that person is someone whom you like) is not easy... it comes with expectations of the other party.. and when they're not met, one turns to frustrations and anger... padahal it's not even their pasal in the 1st place to expect such things...

A balanced friendship... an honouring friendship... I find it hard to achieve amidst all my emotions, desires, peer pressures and whatnot... But I will try. For her sake, for d sake of my results lagi. Hahaha.

I'm about 15% covering whatever that's left for finals... shall continue mugging now. Chaoz...

Restored...

U know when you play the Gameboy Pokemon... When you use the Full Restore potion, your pokemon will go back to full HP with all negative buffs removed?

It mirrors what God's grace and mercy can do in our lives. My God is not just a powerful one, He's THE ALMIGHTY ONE.

I thought my heart'd turned to stone... indeed it has been for so long... Words of encouragement meant nothing to soften this hardened heart.. prayers meant nothing... all the words of life people deposited in this heart, forgotten... ungratefully, almost obligingly.

But i know He's not finished with me yet. As PJ said few weeks back... It's been a series of reminders and hits in the faces these past few weeks. Today Pastor Steven did not pray any prophetic prayer over me, nor did he answer any burning questions that i'd needed answering... But he prayed for the presence of God to walk with me.. so tangible to the extent of it being physical...

Perhaps that's really been the only thing I needed all this while...


My heart went out to 3 people as he prayed over them this morning...
For Hannah... I'm proud of you... from someone whom when i first started talking to.. we talked about the brokenness of CF... for you to accept us as your broken 'ohana'... I feel privileged and grateful. Perhaps you understand a little more of why I'm still here after all these years.. =P

For Chris... You are so awesome!!! Words cannot begin to describe how I felt when Ps Steven was praying for you... I saw your heart... and mine in turn, wants to submit to the authority that God has anointed you with. CF is in good hands indeed... =)

For Abel... I apologize for always not being there.. You've been through a rough time... And now in this new season I'm glad to see God's work in your life... I know it's not even the start of the sem yet... But i all i really wanna say is this: I'm already proud of you. Rest in Him evermore.. and begin to rise up as a man aite? It's time. =)


God, I love you.

Blabberings...

It's a funny thing when you have to think twice, no thrice even just to ask a person out for dinner.

Ok i admit i actually thought it over more than 5 times... and no it's not for a date.. just dinner.. with a bunch of friends. Jia lat.

Hmmm...

I'm gonna be CG-Coordinator next year. Still absorbing the impact of this particular responsibility. Pastor said: "You're the best there is."

Still finding the courage to accept those words. Lord help me..

Peace of mind...

It occurred to me that my frustrations for the past few days was purely emotional and mental desperation. I was looking for satisfaction... from God no less... due to the fact that i need to suppress these feelings of mine... that one day I may look back and say: "I'm glad I held myself back."

It's not easy. Felt like suffocating myself. =.=... Especially after BGR... lagi intense.

But I'm fine now.. so its time to blog! hahaha...


010110... Looks like some BCD code eh? But its not. It's my anniversary.. of a previous relationship. A day that I remember so clearly. Every detail. How beautiful she looked. How happy i was. How shy we both were. And the 2 years 5 months and 21 days after that... the Journey we went through.. the joys we went through together. trips to nilai. her trips down. the hours and hours of waiting and sitting through buses and trains just to spend time with each other.. hours and hours of talking and laughing on the phone/skype... listening to all of her stories... telling her about Gang Basikal.. ROC.. Scott.. Jerome.. Jon n Jeff.. Gunung Ledang.. Fraser's Hill.. January 29th.. Of course this is just the dreamy, happy side of things... i'd caused her pain as well... so much pain... that no amount of sincerest apologies can make up for. If my death could piece her broken heart back together... I'd die right now.
I'm sorry Yeng.


It's been almost 6 months now... She blocked me off FB hahaha.. Dunno why also.. But i guess it's best for both of us to cut off our ties... even the ties of being friends.. at least for now.. at least til her heart heals... I can only pray for her happiness.. that she finds real Joy... that she would eventually learn to live for herself... that eventually, she would find that real Happiness comes from Christ.. and from Him all good things flow.. I'd been the worst possible reflection of Him. I only hope you find happiness.. real happiness. =)


On a different note: I got a present to commemorate my baptism!!!! Thank you Eun, Josh, Foo, Angel n JaniceTeoKuching!!! so culture shocked.. Hahahahaha.. But so SO HAPPY!!!

But those who wait on the LORD

shall renew their strength.

They shall mount up with wings like eagles,

They shall run and not be weary,

They shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31

As I read the verse... I was reminded of His greatness.. His mercy... His kindness... all that He is... 

It's time for me to rise again... to walk... to run... and to SOAR...

=)

Ps. If i don't blog as often anymore... blame them for getting me this journal k? XD 

Off to mission trip tmr.. Woots!! God Bless =)

Prove to me that you are real...

Dear God,

Think i've lost the ability to pray.. to worship.. to sense You.. so i've resort to this.. writing.. in hopes that You will hear me.. that You would answer my prayer.. cuz i've no hope if i don't have You.

Use me to serve You. Use me to cheer up my friends. I sense a lot of turmoil lately... and I know i haven't been the brother that i should to them. But now that I'm back.. allow me Lord, the privilege to once again speak into their lives... as they've spoken into mine. =)

I give my results and studies to You. I'm really really struggling in TMA... i wanna quit that subject. But if there's any hope ANY hope at all... Show me the way... Don't let me fail another time. Please i beg You.

Lastly, i give my relationships to You. Should I let go? Should i continue to float in this cloud of happiness...? I give it all to you.

I just thank You for everything in this life that you've given me. I'm numb to it i think... I don't know what happened to me. Feels like a dead man walking. hahaha.. But I write this in Faith. I write this with Hope.

Love,
Jian.

Lost...

been so for quite some time... I can say i emo pasal results.. pasal ppl go intern.. but I know full well why i feel this way. The reason is always the same. It's when You Lord, are not in the center of my life. It's when You Lord, are not ahead of me, preparing the way.. It's when You Lord, are not behind me, prompting me to go forward... Assuring me every step of the way. Maybe I've not done my part in keeping the relationship with You. I'm sorry.

Yet I long for You. For Your presence and Your company. For Your wisdom and Your counsel. For recharging my soul batteries, for quenching my spiritual thirsts. To worship and to lift your name up above my head.. above my shoulders.

I shan't be lost long. I know it's my choice to take the next step. As PJ says... Immanuel.