Untitled.

God... I'm at a place where i don't know what to do.. I don't know... It's like someone just switched the SHUTDOWN button on me... I find trouble to even trust my own words... LOL..

It's been months since i started writing properly... and as i look back.. i see Your workmanship...
I see how You've bought me from losing everything again.. to where i am now. and once again it seems as if.... i've lost everything.

What've i done wrong Lord? Every step i take has a landmine hiding right underneath..
Can i not step out anymore? (I know i can't do that) Asking that's just too easy. I know i need to keep going... i just don't know where to go anymore. It's the last lap already. Why now? Why this?
It's eating me up inside, knowing of broken friendships but not knowing what to do or how to fix it.
Why can't people just tell me what i did wrong? am i THAT inapproachable??? Am i THAT unteachable???

There're no walls in order to know me. I am who i am, because of what i'd been through.. because of Your work in me. I'm just Zijian. Why isit that people whom i've known for years still mistrust me? Did i perceive our level of friendship wrongly? I might have.. but oh well...


I just wanna see people happy. Regardless of how i feel.
*something i'd inherited from her i guess*

What i want...

Today's CF was a slightly different one. Diff in a sense we seldom have such an old couple teaching/sharing with us.. diff in the sense that, in some ways they were more energetic than most of us! And different in the air that they bought in...

The message i heard today wasn't so much as what they were speaking/teaching... but more of their conduct.. the way they carried themselves.. and their knowledge.. and wisdom... I saw beyond what they were teaching and i wanted more.. I want to learn more.. not about boys n girls n how to communicate.. but rather, how to live. How to actually live out a Christian life!

Mum texted today. Dad called too... they weren't able to call me on my birthday cuz my cousin went up for a visit and they were busy entertaining.. they called/texted during their work. I would've talked longer with them... and laughed... i wish they'd called during dinner... i would gladly rush out of wtv i was doing to talk to them. I just miss them.

On the other hand, both my bros wished me on that day. So happy. hahaha... Ziyi's off in grandma's hse enjoying himself... Ziyuan was in a taekwondo tournament that day. So proud of him... Hope he'll continue what he's doing and really enjoy his uni life.

As for my bday celebration itself... the 1st hour was memorable.. hahahaha... I'm humbled and privileged that they would think I'd be the 1st to rush out. I'm glad. Thank you directors... Honestly i threw away the cake... >.<...
 During the end of morning practice, my CG members threw another surprise... the Hokkaido cake was DELICIOUS!!! Altho i only ate 1.. hahaha... I gave out all the other 3 before eating the last.. even that i was planning to give away.. but no one would take it.. so i ate it. and i'm glad i did.. XD
So that's it.. my birthday.. no fancy dinner.. no presents.. just my friends and the great privilege to be remembered and to have fellowship with.

And I'm glad for that.



On a different note, the happiest birthday celebration i had was my 22nd one. In INTI. Yeah.. the happiest. =)





I was gonna leave you with that, but no blog post should be left hanging... hahahahaha.. Actually this post ended at "How to actually live out a Christian life!" But i guess a birthday post is a must? N i was too lazy to do another post for it... hahahahaha.. so yea. I want to learn more. Good night.

Random thought...

Many a times we see something unrighteous, someone in need of help... many a times... but how many times did we actually extend that helping hand to another? Just a random thought after reading Ps Jo's recent FB status..


Monday night after props, we went scouting for the needy/homeless.. it was so hard to find any... but we did see one, around melaka raya.. and we passed by... i didn't think much of it... most of the time I look, my heart goes out to them.. but always too shy to take that move of courage.

I'm not like James. He actually tried to buy chicken rice for that uncle on the bridge.. too bad when he bought it the uncle disappeared n never came back...

So as Kath drove by the empty streets... My thoughts lingered around the old man we saw at melaka raya... hands folded tight over his chest, legs curled up in a desperate effort to keep warm... he only held a relatively big plastic bag.. n was using it sort of like a blanket...

As we made the last round... we ended up on that street again... somehow i uttered: "If the old man still there why don't we get him some food?"

I don't know why i did that.

I didn't think Kath'd actually stop.

I didn't think of what we'd say to him, nor what would happen if he'd brush us off.

So we stopped by the 7/11 nearby... bought some potato bread, wondering if he'd like potatoes...
Straightaway my mind wondered.. what kind of story would this man have to tell...
Would we listen?
It'd be uncomfortable would it not?

We bought 2 packets of bread, a disposable rain coat (picked to orange one), n a bottle of mineral water. As we walked on to the uncle.. I hung back, knowing i had to pray... i didn't know why, still don't know why... I just plan to hang back n let Chris n Eric do the talking (since they were in front)...

Turned out the uncle spoke Hokkien... which only Kath n i understood.. lol...
He was saying kam sia, kam sia, kam sia... (Thank you) over and over..
I didn't hear that part tho...
I knelt down beside him and took out the stuffs we bought for him, got bread la.. got rain coat can use la.. Kath asked if he had any friends...

No friends.

I wonder how its like; having no friends. I wish i could tell him: Jesus is your friend... but then what'd we do? bring him back n take care of him in our homes? say jesus loves you and leave him there?
In the end we'd said our goodbyes and bid him take care... and we walked back to our car. I hung back again... Saying a prayer to God.. that he'd find help.. that the rest of his life wouldn't just be sitting around streets.. that he'd actually be SAFE... I don't know if anyone else did that.. but i guess.. its something new for me.

i wonder if what we did that night changed a person's life. And it makes you wonder... how about the lives revolving around you at all times during your own life? Aren't they as significant? The people we come in contact with day by day.. If only we can meet their need.. the world would be a better place i guess.. I don't know if i've the right answer to what Christianity is about.. but I bet, it'd be about meeting the needs of the needy. And not just physical needs, but more than that: mental, emotional, and even Spiritual needs.

Won't You Lord, use me to pray for those in need. That they'd find hope and encouragements.
That their needs be met. If You will it to be so, use me to meet those needs.

More thoughts...

This place has become a place to pen down my thoughts, my views, n sometimes even my prayers.
My only hope is that these will somehow speak to your life (whoever is reading this) and that it will encourage you. My LORD is Jesus Christ, and I think you should get to know Him. He's pretty awesome i guess..

Anyway... Today was Choices Sunday full run through again. We're now in Week 4, and thing's are starting to pick up speed. A relatively stress free run for myself (I was playing instead of being runner for once). But it seems, many things have been happening... and maybe I'd been taking the back seat for too long.

Gotta pray for Noel. N for Aaron too... For Noel cuz 2 days ago he baru lepas.. today nie kena again haha.. not to say what la.. i guess he has a diff thinking.. but still, we need him to step up.
I feel very bad. I talked him into this choices thing. I myself didn't know what I was getting into; and I expected him to deal with whatever comes with the kind of adaptability that I was used to and capable of. N now, he's been asked to step out of the music team too.

I can identify. As a musician, nothing... i mean nothing, gives more joy or exhilaration, or excitement, or drives more enthusiasm, than being able to play. than being able to just express ALL that you're feeling into your instrument, into your song, into the audience. And nothing more fulfilling, than watching their faces light up as they enjoy the music, just as much as you enjoy playing the instrument.

Last year, i was asked to step out right from the start. I REALLY WANTED TO PLAY. I REALLY WANTED TO. But I'd kept quiet, & struggled with it, and continually found joy in whatever else i was doing. Simply because i knew what i was doing it for. Looking back, I knew I'd done the right thing. But the fact remains, i really want to play. Even in Choices; at the start I knew what a music team would be capable of in this project. A full team, full blown atmospheric freedom. We can bring that! I saw it. But no one else did. N now it's become just an acoustic booth, catering to those nearby... Not to say it's a bad thing. But this is far from my vision for the band.

I'd given Noel the freedom & the authority over the band. While being in it. I knew how it felt to be out of it. No matter how much JZ or Noel or Joseph said: "It's our team! We're the Nerd Band!" while including me, I knew it's different from playing in it. Because I'd experienced it with Christy and Hui Lee n the rest of ROC1 Band.. I feel left out even in the midst of practice. *sometimes*
So it's not so bad. I mean, the acoustic idea is really cool.. something only ppl like Fel n Jui can come up with... *the parts and all*... So I'm happy with the way things are going... But it seems things will be taking a big turn. It seems Noel's being pushed to step out of d team; rather than being given a choice. so gotta pray for him lah.. we'll see what happens. Maybe should call him out for lunch tmr.

As for his story... perhaps he didn't know the full magnitude of what he signed up for. But from the start I knew this would be BIG. Maybe I didn't convey it properly enough? Was it my fault things are like this now? I saw him taking charge during his story... I saw him grow... Yet suddenly it seems he doesn't want to move anymore.. and I wonder why.. Was it all the late night meetings? Or our playful attitude even during meetings like this?

I liked meeting today. It was serious, straight to business. We need it. More than ever now. Issues that arise need to be tackled. N we lose precious time tembaking each other or making funny inside jokes that we laugh about for 10 minutes... Guilty as charged. haha.. but really glad to see le director stepping into her big shoes... i much prefer this... heh.

 As for the seniors story... I really don't know what'd happened.. i mean... i know the past issues regarding concerns and how we'd handled them... but guys.. c'mon la.. I'm your batch wan.. sampai need to hear from Kath? what is so hard about coming to me if there is indeed a concern? I know i can be very independent. I've my own principles and thoughts and perceptions. Nothing you say can change it, unless I see the logic and thought process behind it. But nobody wants to see Choices fail. So I pray for us all... that whatever's been bothering you, or whatever that I'd done to wrong you or hurt you... do bring it to light... Don't whenever I ask how're you your responses are: "Fine" or "Just tired"...
I muak ad hear those words. I guess I'm just not good enough to be your confidant. But I can understand. I haven't been the most perfect of men after all. I've fallen more times than anyone in the CF could have. I've fallen again and again and again. Who'd take my word for it? They're the words of an adulterer after all.

But I digress. I'm not an adulterer. or at least I do not want to be one. I want to be who God created me to be. I want to be the leader He made me to be. that He gave me the chance to be. And I'm gonna take it. But 1st thing 1st la.. gotta wake up for class tmr. XD

Sorry. I'd said I hope this post/blog will bless you... but it's become a ranting post seemingly.
But with all things said, I pray and hope for the best. I pray and hope for peace, joy, and reconciliation... for that is what we need.. God, move your mighty hands in this place. in this little place called MMU Melaka.

Preaching time!! HAHAHAHAHA...

I'm not qualified mind you. But since not many ppl read this blog, i think i can rant a lil from time to time.


- Live an Examined Life.
- Remind yourself who you are in Christ Jesus each day, hour and minute.
- It is a privilege to lead; not a burden.
- Enjoy that privilege, for our time to lead is often short.
- Balance out wanting the best out of something, but give room for unmet expectations.
- There is always a plan.
- If circumstances prevent the fruition of your plans, plan again rather than wallow in what ifs and should haves.
- Wisdom comes from God.
- Ask for it. Always.
- At the end of each struggle, there is victory.
- For a Christian, it is a privilege to struggle/suffer for Christ's name's sake and for the plans He has for you.
- He is working on you. His unique, his perfect masterpiece.
- Repent everyday. every hour. every minute.
- His wrath is very real.
- Salvation is not a ticket.
- It is a marathon.
- Run it like you're the last runner in the race.
- Seek to know the Lord. Don't just know ABOUT Him.
- How? Talk to Him lah. Talk nie... but rmbr lah.. He's d God of the universe leh.. must jaga mulut/hati a bit... XD
- I count it nothing but joy if I've to suffer for Christ's name's sake. (Quote from Paul the apostle.. u can clarify by googling)
- Actually i count everyday i get to live as joy lah..sry Paul.. i more optimistic than u.. =P
- If you're Christian n u still think you're not worthy to be God's child, i tell you, you'll never be worthy. Being called God's child is a GIFT. Because we were saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ, we're entitled to be called God's own children. So deal with it. Remind yourself who you really are.
- And when u do, you'll know how to behave as a person.
- If u still think you're unworthy, go read David's story from 1st Samuel to 1st Kings. See how God change his life. =)

Phew.. that's quite a few... That's all for tonight i guess... Nite peeps! XD

Disclaimer: Some of the thoughts are not mine. (Most are tho) I'll leave it to you to Google it aite.

Nothing beats...

... answered prayers!!! hahahaha..

I thank You for being true to Yourself. when you're true to yourself, you're true to me. God, bless tonight's meeting. may we find favor among one another. may we find logic in planning.. and may you work miracles for us... for us all... This production is bigger than the 7 of us. we may feel hurt now, some more than others... but once again, You're our King. no one else. not the pres, not pastor, not the directors, not the members... but YOU. Bring us together Lord. Bind us together. We're your ship setting sail in the waters of MMU... but we can't if the masts have not been tied together. we can't if crew members are still struggling to find their posts.. So Lord, build your ship.. and when you're done, steer it.. be the Captain of this Ship Lord. That's my next prayer LOL...

Gotta go class now.. see yaz!!

A little piece of mind...

God.. i'm writing this to you again.. hahaha.. so emo kan. nobody to talk to.. except for You. dahlah i disappoint u like wad nie... still got the guts. living by grace everyday konon. am i living like someone who's been saved by grace? in Jan's words.. u SUPER PRO... U SIAO WANNN... lols.. but to me, You're my wonderful Savior. i can only ask You to wash away my sins. no one else can. no one else.

i really hate this part of me. i wish You'd just take it away. wouldn't it have made things so much better??/ why do i have to suffer like this? Why do people around me have to suffer for my sins??? i hate it!!!11 i HATE IT. i want it to stop. forever. God.. forever.. i don't want it in my life ANYMORE... may this be a lasting prayer.

my heart is heavy. it feels like its stuck somewhere down my esophagus refusing to go down.. or be thrown up. the cough's not making it any easier.. every time i cough it feels like a mini heart attack due to the state of mind i'm in right now. God ah.. we're doing this for you.. we've been really really putting up our all for this... and now this. What is this??? Why do i feel so betrayed? He said to give us full support no matter our decision. To help us, to encourage us. Yet what's been unfolding so far has not been a true testament to his words. I won't budge no matter what happens tomorrow. i wanna be selfish for once. i wanna break from that submission. i wanna say something. and i want it to be heard.

BUT, i know that's not the way... that's not YOUR way. so SHOW IT TO ME!!!!!! It's tomorrow!!! For Your sake!! I honestly don't know what will happen after tomorrow. I really don't know. and i don't want to know. Life could've been so much simpler. I'm smart.. i get by in studies.. I hardly ever got into an accident or any heavy injuries.... i had a girlfriend. why didn't i just stay there???? why all this hard work and hard circumstances that i imposed on myself??? I want to live out your Love Lord. just let me do that... and i'll be happy the rest of my life...

On the other hand we REAALLLYYY need ideas to prepare and set the things for Choices...!!! So God if you'd please hurry up the crash course for us.. I'd be really happy to take it tmr... I only pray for 2 things... the same 2 things since the start of this... Wisdom & Strength... and You've been answering my prayers so far... so Amen, and Hallelujah!!! =D