God.. i'm writing this to you again.. hahaha.. so emo kan. nobody to talk to.. except for You. dahlah i disappoint u like wad nie... still got the guts. living by grace everyday konon. am i living like someone who's been saved by grace? in Jan's words.. u SUPER PRO... U SIAO WANNN... lols.. but to me, You're my wonderful Savior. i can only ask You to wash away my sins. no one else can. no one else.
i really hate this part of me. i wish You'd just take it away. wouldn't it have made things so much better??/ why do i have to suffer like this? Why do people around me have to suffer for my sins??? i hate it!!!11 i HATE IT. i want it to stop. forever. God.. forever.. i don't want it in my life ANYMORE... may this be a lasting prayer.
my heart is heavy. it feels like its stuck somewhere down my esophagus refusing to go down.. or be thrown up. the cough's not making it any easier.. every time i cough it feels like a mini heart attack due to the state of mind i'm in right now. God ah.. we're doing this for you.. we've been really really putting up our all for this... and now this. What is this??? Why do i feel so betrayed? He said to give us full support no matter our decision. To help us, to encourage us. Yet what's been unfolding so far has not been a true testament to his words. I won't budge no matter what happens tomorrow. i wanna be selfish for once. i wanna break from that submission. i wanna say something. and i want it to be heard.
BUT, i know that's not the way... that's not YOUR way. so SHOW IT TO ME!!!!!! It's tomorrow!!! For Your sake!! I honestly don't know what will happen after tomorrow. I really don't know. and i don't want to know. Life could've been so much simpler. I'm smart.. i get by in studies.. I hardly ever got into an accident or any heavy injuries.... i had a girlfriend. why didn't i just stay there???? why all this hard work and hard circumstances that i imposed on myself??? I want to live out your Love Lord. just let me do that... and i'll be happy the rest of my life...
On the other hand we REAALLLYYY need ideas to prepare and set the things for Choices...!!! So God if you'd please hurry up the crash course for us.. I'd be really happy to take it tmr... I only pray for 2 things... the same 2 things since the start of this... Wisdom & Strength... and You've been answering my prayers so far... so Amen, and Hallelujah!!! =D
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